Simmons Says: "I didn't know they archived these things"

Usually, dissecting a Simmons Says column is a fairly simple process which involves getting up at 8 am on Sunday, downing four shots of bourbon, donning a blindfold, stabbing a finger wildly at the page, going to Baseball Reference or Hockey DB (or using common sense), and pointing out that whatever Simmons says is 100% factually inaccurate. This week, however, we learned from Howard Berger that Simmons' opinions on JFJ and the Leafs are based on facts with merit, which means that Howard Berger either :
 
    A). Can't read, or
    B). Is completely fucking shameless in covering the ass of a fellow cartel member.

Either way, we're dealing with something bigger than Simmons' failure to grasp reality here. We used to believe that Toronto's ink-slingers were taking their cues from Cox (hence the name of the blog), but it is becoming quite apparent that Simmons is actually the head vampire. What else could explain why he still has a job, and why people like Berger and Jim Kelley (who we will get to later) are lining up to defend his wild speculations and straight up lies? In the immortal words of Corey Feldman, "you'd better get yourself a garlic t-shirt, buddy, or it is your ass."


Ready, steady, go:

... While quietly saying all the right things, GM Ferguson is privately seething at the clumsy way in which Leafs upper management attempted to either replace him or help him over the summer. In the end, all they ended up doing was undermining his shaken credibility ...

Imagine, dear reader, that you and I decided to beat up Mr. Till. Let's say we waited for him outside the video store, and as he walked outside we jumped him and I held him down and you punched him a few times. I'm positive Mr. Till would be quite pissed off, and it is safe to say that I would be a pretty shitty person for doing something like that. In fact, you could probably say I was an asshole. Now imagine that later that week Mr. Till visited our website and saw the following entry:

Jorn's Jottings
by Kim Jorn

...while quietly saying the right things, Godd Till is privately seething because a Coxbloc reader beat him up and stole his Corner Gas DVD.

Not only did I help lay a beating on Mr. Till, I have now written about it as if I had no role in the attack. Just in case you haven't grasped this very awkward and over-the-top analogy, this is exactly what Simmons is doing.

You may recall Simmons' explosive story from the spring in which he stated that Mats Sundin had a hip injury and would require surgery that could end his career. I'm not interested so much in the facts of this story, but here is a quick recap: Sundin had a torn labrum, still hasn't had surgery, and the Leafs reacted to the story like the Bush Administration on meth. Simmons was torn a new one by JFJ and some of the non-undead press, but in the end he was somewhat vindicated; Sundin did have an injury and the Leafs tried to cover it up. On the other hand, Simmons wasn't content with just the facts he was given (more on this in a minute), and did go to press with an outrageously speculative column about Sundin's career being in jeopardy.

What I am interested in is Simmons actively aiding the agenda of certain people at MLSE. Someone leaked Sundin's injury to Simmons. That person has never been named, but for now we'll say it was an entirely fictitious person named TARRY LANENBAUM who bears absolutely no resemblance to any real life person whatsoever. My sources tell me that there is a power struggle in the Leafs management and that Larry Tanenb - I mean TARRY LANENBAUM wants rid of JFJ, while Richard Peddie wants him to stay because he thinks it is funny to keep stringing along an impotent, lame-duck, inexperienced, and completely overwhelmed general manager. Regardless, it would have benefited someone in the Leafs management to leak this story to Simmons, making Ferguson look like a clueless idiot during negotiations with Sundin over a contract extension. And it worked.

Now, I don't fault Simmons for running with this story when it was dropped in his lap. Everyone wants a scoop, especially when they don't have to make one up out of thin air. Of course, Simmons wasn't happy just running the facts of the story and felt that he needed to embellish the whole thing in order to make JFJ look like an even worse hockey-man than he actually is. He clearly relished doing TARRY LANENBAUM's dirty work. Regardless of whether a columnist should be campaigning for people to lose their job (it happens everywhere), it would somewhat redeem Simmons if he could at least acknowledge his role in this sordid affair when he writes that Ferguson is upset about his treatment at the hands of MLSE:

...Turns out I won't be on JFJ's Christmas card list this year...While quietly saying all the right things, GM Ferguson is privately seething at the clumsy way in which Leafs upper management used me to make him look like an asshole during the summer. I really hoped that my column, in tandem with Machiavellian maneuvering in the Leafs front office, would get Fergie fired. In In the end, all we ended up doing was undermining his shaken credibility ...And hey, whatever happened to my integrity.

Of course, Simmons would never write something like that, and he doesn't need to when he has minions like Berger out there defending him without any provocation. And Berger isn't the only one. When the whole mess started in May, Jim Kelley fired off an inexplicable column on the Sportsnet website in which he went to great lengths to defend his dark overlord:

Steve Simmons, the columnist for the Toronto Sun is under a lot of fire these days, but for the life of me I can't understand why.

Simmons reported, accurately as it turns out, that Toronto Maple Leafs forward Mats Sundin has a hip problem. Prior to Simmons' story, this is something no one told us about. This was also a report that has not been denied.

True, Jim. But didn't Simmons also say that Sundin's injury was just like Alexander Mogilny's, state as a fact that Sundin requires surgery, and speculate that he may miss a season of hockey?

Simmons also reported that the hip problem might (and he stressed the word "might") need surgery and could be career threatening.

Keep in mind that Jim Kelley's angle was that he couldn't understand why Simmons was under fire. This means that, logically, he read the story in question and he either :
 
    A). Can't read, or
    B). Is completely fucking shameless in covering the ass of a fellow cartel member.

Here is what Simmons wrote on May 1, 2007:

Mats Sundin's future in Toronto -- and his future as a National Hockey League player -- suddenly is in question after it was learned yesterday that the Maple Leafs captain requires hip surgery.

According to a source in the medical community, Sundin needs surgery almost immediately to repair a hip problem, complicating his still-to-be determined contractual status with the Leafs.

The hip trouble and surgery is similar, the source says, to the operation that all but ended Alexander Mogilny's career as an NHL player at the age of 37.

Did you count all the mights in there. Don't worry if you missed them. There were none.

Why am I bringing this up now? Well, first of all, we didn't have this blog in May. Secondly, why do Simmons' fellow writers feel the need to publicly defend him? I speculated earlier that Simmons may be, in the immortal words of Corey Haim, a "goddamn shit-sucking vampire," but that probably isn't the case. Sure a few guys, Coxy included, criticized Simmons at the time, and many others probably just ignored it or wrote it off as Simmons being Simmons. Still, guys like Berger and Kelley feel the need to put themselves out there for this guy by either telling bald-faced lies (Simmons backs up his opinions with facts that have merit) or hairy-faced lies (Simmons never actually said Mats required surgery). It just doesn't make any sense.

THIS (IS SPECULATION) AND THAT (IS MORE SPECULATION)

Alright, enough with the old news and back to today's column.

Word around is that the new tough NHL was ready to give Mark Bell a 30-game suspension had he not shown such remorse and personal growth to the league. Doubt Ferguson, who said he did his due diligence on Bell, was aware of that when he tied up $2 million in summer cap money trading for him.

Seriously?!?

I am getting very tired of defending JFJ. I think he is in way over his head and really has no clue what he is doing. The only positive thing I can say about Junior is that his continued presence at the helm of the Leafs allows Garth Snow to go to sleep at night knowing that he isn't the worst GM in the NHL. On the other hand, I don't think he has been treated fairly by MLSE, but only because they should have fired him by now rather than signing him to one year contracts and dangling non-existent long-term extensions if front of him. However, Simmons is so fucking over-the-edge in his hatred of Junior that he'll grasp at the smallest of straws to try and make him look bad.

Fergie didn't trade for Bell, he got stuck with him as part of the Toskala deal. This sort of trade isn't uncommon, where one team has to take some extra baggage in order to get the player they truly want. Bell has one year left on his contract, and if he is Jeff O'Neill Part Two, it won't matter after this year. It isn't the best situation, but it had to be done in order to land Toskala. The most egregious part of Simmons little cheap-shot is that he has no way of knowing what Fergie was aware of when "he tied up $2 million in summer cap money trading for him." In fact, looking at what Simmons has written, it seems entirely possible that JFJ did do his due diligence, ascertained that Bell has displayed remorse and personal growth, and was confident that the NHL wouldn't give Bell a 30 game suspension. Of course I have no way of knowing what actually happened. But neither does Simmons.

HERE (IS A BOLD STATEMENT) AND THERE (IS A CONTRADICTION)

We finish of the week with this slice of Orwellian double-speak from our dear friend Simmons:

A waste of money: Whichever NHL team ends up signing Peter Forsberg. He has little left to offer ...

I really don't agree with this statement. I think every team in the NHL should be interested in signing Forsberg, but that is just my opinion. I wish I could find someone to support me on this; someone who backs up their opinions with facts that have merit. Oh...there is this guy named Steve Simmons who wrote this in his column less than a month ago:

... Why is it news when an NHL general manager contacts Peter Forsberg's agent to inquire about the player? Shouldn't it be news if a GM doesn't contact Don Baizley to ask about the most talented free agent left in the pool?,...

Thanks Steve. You make this too easy sometimes