HANDWRINGERS!

How many Torontonians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six million. One to screw it in, the rest to walk around marveling at what a world-class event it is.

This hoary old chestnut came to my mind when sorting through the reactions to the Buffalo Bills announcement that they intend to play one preseason NFL game in Hogtown next year, followed by another, and a regular season matchup, the following season.

Two writers, at diametrically opposite poles of the ability spectrum, took on the issue, demonstrating emphatically that this stuff should be left to the professionals. Or in our case, the really snarky amateurs.

First Steve Simmons weighed in during his Sunday brainsqueeze. After no doubt wiping the egg off his face having written, just two weeks ago, that BC Lions prez Bobby Ackles's "Chicken Little scream about the NFL coming to Toronto and the CFL dying in the process is pure over-reaction. A) the NFL isn't coming to Toronto so fast," Simmons now had to address the news that the NFL was coming to the Rogers Centre much faster than anyone, especially him, had predicted. Woopsy-doodle! (Fun fact: Paul Godfrey, president of the Rogers Centre, is Simmons' old boss. Nice reporting, Scoop!)

So on Sunday, Simmons delves into some serious analysis about the economics of the respective leagues, the possibilities of a lawsuit from the City of Buffalo.. Fooled you! Actually no, I didn't fool any of you, did I? The man is shameless. Simmons instead dusted off the "Chicken Little" insult (BURN! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!!) in a column headlined "Hand-wringers off deep end on Toronto NFL talk" After getting off to a blinding start by calling Canadians alarmist and backwards, he offers this take:

It is so Canadian, so alarmist, and so backwards to listen to the Chicken Little over-reaction of Canadian Football League people to the possibility of the Buffalo Bills playing a regular-season game in Toronto.

The chief small-thinker himself, David Braley, owner of the B.C. Lions, went so far as to threaten there would be a backlash against Rogers products should Ted Rogers be part of a group that brings an NFL franchise to Toronto.

First off, there will be a pre-season game in Toronto and anyone who has ever seen pre-season football knows this can't be a good thing.

Secondly, there may be a regular-season game at the Rogers Centre, which is a sure sell-out. How does that impact the CFL? At different prices, with a different audience, at a different time of year, how does a single regular-season game factor with all the CFL hand-wringing?

The third factor is that the Bills will be up for sale when owner Ralph Wilson passes on. The estate will be mandated by law to sell to the highest bidder. The NFL will have to approve the sale and the possible movement.

Who is to say the Toronto people will outbid anyone else for the team, and who is to say the league will approve it? For what now appears to be nothing more than a pre-season game and the possibility of a regular-season game in Canada, there sure are a lot nervous people out there.

As always, cheap smarm and invective substitute for actually investigating the situation. I could smack down the lack of facts or analysis here, but why do it myself when Stephen Brunt can show Simmons how it's done: HIT IT!

Brunt, by the heroic act of apparently doing some research and thinking about the subject longer than fifteen seconds, points out that, among other things:

1. Buffalo sees Ontario as part of its territory
2. The CFL was given no notice of this plan
3. MLSE CEO Larry (Chas) Tannenbaum has long been interested in an NFL team and is friendly with Bills owner Ralph Wilson
4. The franchise will be up for grabs soon, as Wilson is 89
5. The NFL seems "quietly on board," and given that Toronto is defined as Bills territory, leaguewide approval for a move is perhaps not even necessary

Brunt, having first done some reporting and analysis, concludes that the CFL and Argos should be seriously worried.  See what order that came in, Simmons? Neat-o, huh? How the hell Simmons, lead sports columnist at a paper built around sports, tits, and crime, gets away with his half-assery week after week is beyond me. Of course, I don't understand why more people don't listen to Steely Dan, so maybe I'm in the minority, especially in a province that just re-elected Dalton McGuinty.

Brunt is far more realistic about what this all means than Simmons (sorry for the John Madden level of obviousness there). Nevertheless, Brunt does conclude with an optimism about the CFL I can't share:

The NFL could have worked on neutralizing any potential resistance by cutting a deal that would be beneficial to all. Maybe they don't think it matters, and maybe, in Toronto at least, it won't.

But there have been other times in history when American interlopers expected to be greeted with a scattering of rose petals, and instead were met with a nasty surprise.

This would not be one of those times. Toronto craves the big, the world-class, the heard-of-it-in-New-York. That's why the CFL doesn't really matter here, not nearly the way it does in Montreal or Vancouver, let alone Saskatchewan. Thousands of Ontarians already hold season tickets in Buffalo now. The team would sell out in a heartbeat if it moved. The only thing that could stop it would be government intervention on either side of the border, which only seems likely for Buffalo to pursue, or a well-heeled local owner outbidding a Toronto group. Again, unlikely.

Stephen, I love the sentiment, but that's just not how it would go down. Forget it Brunt, it's Hogtown.