2007 MITTENSTRINGER OF THE YEAR

Yesterday, a day where we saw that most Raccoon Lodge members really think that Jim Rice and Jack Morris were better ballplayers that Tim Raines and Alan Trammell and that voters in the Granite State opted for Walnuts! (ed: WALNUTS!) and the Robot That Cried, proved to Kim and I once again that democracy just doesn't work.

That's why you, the people, do not get to vote for the Toronto sports media's worst writer of the year (but please weigh in below). Instead, the process involved Kim and I relentlessly pounding 50 and reading aloud the columns that made 2007. Also, we did tons of situps. Actually, picture the Siberian training montage in Rocky IV and you're pretty much there. And when we broke away from our KGB minders and sprinted to the top of that mountain, there was only one name that boomed from our lungs:

"DRRRAAAAAAAA-"

No, wait a minute:

"SSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!"

2007 Mittenstringer of the Year: Steve Simmons, Toronto Sun

You might think that Steve Simmons wrapped up the inaugural Cox Bloc Mittenstringer of the Year award back in May of 2007 when he broke the "news" that Mats Sundin had suffered a career-threatening injury and required surgery "almost immediately." Tongues wagged, JFJ blew a gasket, Simmons defended his claim, and the crippled Sundin (still yet to undergo any operation) is somehow on pace to score 92 points (his most in over a decade) through the first half of the 2007-08 season.

However, we were uncomfortable including this high-point in Toronto sports journalism in the eligible criteria for the award since the whole kerfuffle happened almost four months before we started the Cox Bloc. Luckily for Simmons, the exclusion of the tragically un-repaired hip didn't really harm his chances of taking home the MOY, since he went above and beyond from August onward, blowing away the competition with his week-in week-out lack of attention-to-detail.

Whether he's making up facts or mis-stating stats, Simmons has provided a level of consistency that Cox, Berger, Griffin and the rest could never possibly match (well, Griffin maybe). Looking back, I realized that Simmons pretty much won the award on August 19, 2007, by displaying an amazing ability to get the facts completely wrong in any medium that would print his words or broadcast his mug.

We woke up that glorious morning to see that Simmons had slated the Blue Jays in the pages of the Toronto Sun for having the 22^nd best ERA in the Major Leagues. Only problem was, the Jays were hovering somewhere around 8^th at the time. We deduced that Steve doesn't know that a low ERA is a good thing. Of course, Steve didn't stop there and next wondered: "Just how valuable is Barry Bonds? The Giants are 3-12 in games in which he has hit home runs this season." Barry had in fact hit home runs in 24 games up to that point in the season. I found that out by looking on the internet. In eleven seconds.

August 19 sure was a bad day for Simmons (but a good day for people who write blogs about the stupid things sports-reporters say and write). After finishing his column, Steve headed over to the TSN studios to give a big thumbs-down to Prince Fielder and Roger Clemens on the Reporters. Fielder and Clemens had recently received suspensions from MLB for on-field behaviour, and Simmons took to the players to task for their actions causing their teams to lose important games.

Turns out that Steve didn't seem to know (which he really should, since he is a sports reporter and had prepared this segment for a nationally televised program) that Fielder had yet to serve his suspension. Clemens one-gamer also had little effect on the Yankees, since the Bronx Bombers lost 12-0 in Clemens' missed start. Like we stated at the time, unless Clemens planned on hitting a few dingers, he wouldn't have helped.

Of course, Simmons has shined on subsequent occasions (two faves include calling Forsberg a waste of money less than a month after naming him the best available FA, and mocking those who thought that the NFL might come to Toronto two weeks before the Bills announced that they would start playing games in Toronto), but that one wonderful Sunday cemented Steve as the New England Patriots of bad-Toronto-sports-writing. No one else ever had a chance.

Congrats Steve, and we look forward to watching you try to keep your crown in 2008.

-Kim

First Runner-Up: Damien Cox, Toronto Star

The namesake of the Bloc was upset this year by Simmons, but that doesn't mean he didn't get it all over himself with regularity. Highlights included him shitting on Toronto FC and calling their fans idiots; writing a column that completely contradicts every other one he's written since the lockout to try to get a cheap rise out of Sens fans (who are about as thick-skinned as Stephen Harper); responded to a rare period of good Leaf play to sagely forecast that the next two months would tell us the quality of the team; after two straight losses, immediately opined it was obvious the Leafs could not make the playoffs; reacted like Helen Lovejoy to the Jiri NSFW "scandal" and its aftermath; praised Conn Smythe for being a man of principle who supported the Vietnam War and hated Muhammad Ali; actually titled a Leafs column "Not So Cocky Now, Eh Boys?"; recently saw Make-A-Wish's brief banishment to the press box as a negative. Does not hate the Leafs organization. Is off to a banner start this year: the long time anti-fighting advocate wished the Leafs played more like the Flyers, the dirtiest team in the league. With a spinarama that would make Denis Savard weep, Cox looks in it to win it in 2008. Watch your back, Steve!

-Godd

Second Runner-Up: Howard Berger

Class-war, cancer, lies, libel...Working Class Howard!

Sometimes there's a man - and I'm talking about Howard Berger here - sometimes there's a man who will go to great lengths to show that anything is possible. Like, who the hell ever thought that anyone might feel sympathy for Sean Avery? Impossible, you say? Not when this year's MOY bronze medalist is on the job.

The Avery nonsense aside, Berger had a strong year. We will never forget his bizarre tirade against the Leafs for renting a luxury box at a Cowboys game while poor ol' Howard had to munch on hotdogs with the proletariat in the cheap-seats. Thanks for sticking up for the little guy, Howard...and as soon as our employer (that cruel taskmaster, Fred Isher) sends us to Texas to watch hockey, and pays us enough to afford a $150 ticket to a football game, we will then know your pain.

Good work Howard! We're looking for even bigger and brighter things next year.

-Kim

Honourable Mentions:

Richard Griffin (but responded sanely to mailbag challenge), David Shoalts (but put together several good pieces towards year end; didn't get sued), Christie Blatchford (but neither Kim nor I can read fifty words from her without renal failure- nice smokescreen)

With 2008: The Year Someone's Getting Canned just dawning, I have little doubt that the best is yet to come. Cause if I can change, and you can change... the mittenstringers can't. That's why we're out here... the Bloc. Making fun of Simmons and Cox for all us sinners. I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that.