Know Your Rights
It was all-systems go at the Cox Bloc Mobile Command Centre today. penaltyshots alerted PPP, who sent out the Blue and White Bat Signal to us about Scott Burnside's rip job on Mats Sundin. All those "Formidable Opponent" segments Burnside does with DC Talk must have rubbed off, cause he turned in a performance that must have left TEH COX flushed like a proud papa. Reading it (and you must read it too - I had to) I pictured Burnside feverishly pecking away at his keyboard, receiver to ear, while Cox barked "Hack the bone! HACK THE BONE!!!" down the line.
I was shocked that this filth even saw magnetic ink. I mean, this isn't the Toronto Sun here. This is the Worldwide Leader, whose masthead is roamed by such giants of journalism as Bill Simmons, Stephen A Smith and John Kruk. How could this happen? I contacted my source in Bristol. With a little eavesdropping, he was able to relay me just how "DC South"'s effort was received by the muckety-mucks:
ESPN EXEC: Scott, thanks for coming in. Listen, absolutely loved that piece on Sundin. Really shows some fresh thinking. You know, we're always ripping on guys for chasing the money or the easy title shot, turning their back on loyal fans. So we get a guy who refuses to go that road, wants to stay and be a leader - and you rip him! Brilliant.
SCOTT: Well, thanks. I just wanted to stress that I value the pursuit of excellence more than anything else.
EXEC: Exactly, that's what I wanted to talk with you about. We've got some big changes in mind for our hockey department, and you're a leader around here, so I wanted to run them by you. Ever since we stopped broadcasting the NHL, we've fallen into a bit of a rut. We need to reload, so I've lined up some of the best columnists and bloggers out there, and we've got tentative deals to bring them on board.
SCOTT: Wow, that's fantastic!
EXEC: Great, right? Unfortunately, we're right against the budget, so to bring some top guys in, I need you to do what's right for the team.
SCOTT: Sure, what's that?
EXEC: Well, remember that contract we signed you too? If you'd agree to adjust your pay downwards, about two-thirds, we'd be able to turn this team around. Also, you have to share a desk with Barry Melrose.
SCOTT: But I just signed that contract! I earned it! And you agreed to it with me! And Melrose? He spends all day prank calling Pat Burns, and his hair smells like a raccoon addicted to mouthwash! I've covered hockey here for years, and I built this department. I deserve some respect.
EXEC: Well, Scott, I'm a little disappointed. I thought you'd be prepared to do whatever it takes to help us be the best. You love your hockey history Scott. Remember Ted Lindsay?
SCOTT: Sure! 379 goals, a legendary competitor...
EXEC: Yeah, that's all well and good, but my favourite story is about the time he tried to organize a player's union, based on some crazy idea that the rights of the players being just as important as the owners making money and pursuing titles. Good old Jack Adams ripped the C off his sweater, and then he traded him to the worst team in the league, all while badmouthing him in the press. Wasn't that something?
SCOTT: Ummm...
EXEC: Anyways, Scott, even if you don't want to be a leader, you're still a big part of our team. Here's what we've got lined up for you over the next little while: liveblogging Eklund's trade deadline coverage.... we're doing a special site for Canada now, so you need to go through all articles and change the spelling of 'centre' and 'defence'... and then it's ECHL playoffs, so you'll need to start checking out hotels in Idaho! What a business.
SCOTT: I can't believe you're doing this to me.
EXEC: Come on, now Scott, no hard feelings. In fact, to show our appreciation, I've commissioned a profile on you, to celebrate all the great things you've done here.
SCOTT: Really?
EXEC: Sure. I hired that guy up in Toronto you email back and forth with to handle it. That Cox fella.
*Burnside falls to his knees, weeping* Alright, I'll do it! I'll take the cut, share the desk, anything you want! Just make the bad man go away!!!!
EXEC: Excellent.
I was shocked that this filth even saw magnetic ink. I mean, this isn't the Toronto Sun here. This is the Worldwide Leader, whose masthead is roamed by such giants of journalism as Bill Simmons, Stephen A Smith and John Kruk. How could this happen? I contacted my source in Bristol. With a little eavesdropping, he was able to relay me just how "DC South"'s effort was received by the muckety-mucks:
ESPN EXEC: Scott, thanks for coming in. Listen, absolutely loved that piece on Sundin. Really shows some fresh thinking. You know, we're always ripping on guys for chasing the money or the easy title shot, turning their back on loyal fans. So we get a guy who refuses to go that road, wants to stay and be a leader - and you rip him! Brilliant.
SCOTT: Well, thanks. I just wanted to stress that I value the pursuit of excellence more than anything else.
EXEC: Exactly, that's what I wanted to talk with you about. We've got some big changes in mind for our hockey department, and you're a leader around here, so I wanted to run them by you. Ever since we stopped broadcasting the NHL, we've fallen into a bit of a rut. We need to reload, so I've lined up some of the best columnists and bloggers out there, and we've got tentative deals to bring them on board.
SCOTT: Wow, that's fantastic!
EXEC: Great, right? Unfortunately, we're right against the budget, so to bring some top guys in, I need you to do what's right for the team.
SCOTT: Sure, what's that?
EXEC: Well, remember that contract we signed you too? If you'd agree to adjust your pay downwards, about two-thirds, we'd be able to turn this team around. Also, you have to share a desk with Barry Melrose.
SCOTT: But I just signed that contract! I earned it! And you agreed to it with me! And Melrose? He spends all day prank calling Pat Burns, and his hair smells like a raccoon addicted to mouthwash! I've covered hockey here for years, and I built this department. I deserve some respect.
EXEC: Well, Scott, I'm a little disappointed. I thought you'd be prepared to do whatever it takes to help us be the best. You love your hockey history Scott. Remember Ted Lindsay?
SCOTT: Sure! 379 goals, a legendary competitor...
EXEC: Yeah, that's all well and good, but my favourite story is about the time he tried to organize a player's union, based on some crazy idea that the rights of the players being just as important as the owners making money and pursuing titles. Good old Jack Adams ripped the C off his sweater, and then he traded him to the worst team in the league, all while badmouthing him in the press. Wasn't that something?
SCOTT: Ummm...
EXEC: Anyways, Scott, even if you don't want to be a leader, you're still a big part of our team. Here's what we've got lined up for you over the next little while: liveblogging Eklund's trade deadline coverage.... we're doing a special site for Canada now, so you need to go through all articles and change the spelling of 'centre' and 'defence'... and then it's ECHL playoffs, so you'll need to start checking out hotels in Idaho! What a business.
SCOTT: I can't believe you're doing this to me.
EXEC: Come on, now Scott, no hard feelings. In fact, to show our appreciation, I've commissioned a profile on you, to celebrate all the great things you've done here.
SCOTT: Really?
EXEC: Sure. I hired that guy up in Toronto you email back and forth with to handle it. That Cox fella.
*Burnside falls to his knees, weeping* Alright, I'll do it! I'll take the cut, share the desk, anything you want! Just make the bad man go away!!!!
EXEC: Excellent.
I'm surprised Burnside stopped at taking away the captaincy...what about busting Mats down to the Marlies? And moving Woz from defence to Mats' wing?
Use the radioactive ooze! Oh wait--that only works for turtles, never mind...
I COMMEND SCOTT'S BRILLIANT PIECE OF JOURNALISM. WHO IS THIS MA-ATS SUN-DA-IN TO THINK HE CAN DEFY MANAGEMENT. WHO ARE YOU TO DISAGREE WITH THE WORLD WIDE LEADER?
HE'S PROBABLY EVEN STOLEN MY CHEEZ DOODLES.
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Sent from my Blackberry Wireless Device
You guys are silly. That's not even comparable to what Burnside was suggesting. Yeah, he was harsh on Mats -- I don't think you take away his captaincy -- but it shouldn't be tantamount to treason in your eyes to point out that refusing to stay where he's not wanted, and putting his own interests ahead of what the General Manager thinks is best for the franchise is selfish on Mats' part.
He absolutely has a right to use his NTC to stay here if he wants to. He has earned that right and it's in his contract. But I think the media -- while ridiculously overboard as usual -- has every right to point out that he's worth more to the Leafs as trade bait and that it's questionable why he wouldn't want to move to both help the team he professes to love and have a free shot at a cup...
But you guys are funny, and always worth a read.
It has nothing to do with 'treason', and if Burnside made this argument about a player in a similar situation on a different team, I'd like to think we'd still be all over him. Burnside's entire argument makes no sense, and I think Till made a good point by comparing Mats's "workplace rights" to Burnside's.
This whole column was a joke. I personally liked this bit best:
"Kaberle, according to reports, has already declined to waive his no-trade clause to facilitate a move to Philadelphia. What? Kaberle didn't like the idea of a long playoff run? Was he afraid of missing the World Championships?"
The Flyers, who lost their ninth straight game tonight. They sure look primed for a long playoff run...
You don't take away his captaincy, but Burnside suggested it - and that would be the biggest on-ice embarrassment in recent franchise history (worse than Woz on the PK or Andrew Raycroft, starting goalie).
The Burnside piece made me cringe.
/subtle comment.