Party Like It's 1998

Maybe it's the sudden reappearance of Cliff Fletcher, swaggering back into town tanned, white-haired, reeking of tequila and cocoa butter, ready to charm reporters, waive Make-A-Wish, and sell off the roster. Maybe it's the way the Leafs actually beat Detroit, Montreal, and Ottawa, just like old times. Maybe it's simply that old stories, grudges, and man-crushes never die, they just get recycled into yet another quick n dirty column. Whatever the reason, it's been a blast from the past the last couple days. So throw on the Hypercolor, crank up the jams, and let's take a ride in the Wayback Machine.

First, Marty York asks the question on no one's lips - why doesn't Shawn Green have a job, like, in Toronto? Now Shawn can still hit righties a bit, and seems like a nice guy, but considering the Jays have two lefty-hitting left fielders already, plus Johnson, Rios, and Wells, it doesn't seem to hard to answer. Especially when Marty sends these types of ill-equipped soldiers to to be blown up at the front:

Unfathomable is the fact that, with MLB training camps opening soon, clubs have shunned one of the most productive outfielders in recent decades...

Only two active players, Ken Griffey Jr. and Gary Sheffield, have accomplished what Green has by producing at least 300 homers, 1,000 runs and RBIs, 400 doubles and 150 stolen bases.

Beyond being untrue (there's the Bonds guy you mentioned in your article, for one), Griffey and Sheffield were both  significantly more productive than Green last season. Unfathomable? Shunned? We're not talking about the Red Sox passing on Willie Mays here, Marty. At this rate of hyperbole you're gonna blow out your thesaurus by Opening Day. Pace yourself, it's a long season.

Richard Griffin is also inhaling the heady fumes of yesteryear, possibly from a paint can, and has identified the biggest victim of the Roger Clemens saga: Tim Johnson! Apparently inspired by a new Rambo movie out, Grimace has reignited his one-man commando mission to polish TJ's rep, this time at the Rocket's expense. Full diclosure: I think Griffin is right about Johnson. I also rank Clemens in the top-5 people I hate in baseball, right up there with LaRussa, Jeff Weaver, and David Eckstein.

But again, Griffin uses dishonest and useless arguments in this hack-job on Clemens. Devoting a good chunk of the article to an irrelevant debate over whether Johnson or Clemen's lies provoked more tears from the Baby Jesus, Griffin peppers his Dregerrific argument with nuggets of innuendo like this:

After the escape-from-T.O. fact, after Clemens had used his illegal side-agreement with the Jays to force his way to the Bronx, there were carefully leaked rumours that one of the reasons he wanted out was because of Johnson's lies about fighting in Vietnam.

Hell, at least Dreger attributes his nonsense to shadowy 'people talking.' Griffin employs the total passive voice here to fully cover his ass. Rumours leaked by who? To who? This is about as convincing as the Rocket's steroid denials.

Then there's this sideswipe at the end:

In '98, when Clemens was named starter of the All-Star Game in Denver, he quietly asked Jays relievers if he could take their uniform jerseys to the game and keep them in his locker to show his appreciation. Nice gesture, but, then he hung Dan Plesac, Paul Quantrill and some others at the front of his locker facing out so that the media would see them and ask him about the gesture. Who looked good?

Umm, Plesac and Quantrill, among others? Seriously, we have 20 years of public evidence that Roger Clemens is a jackhole. Is this the best you can do?

Whatever happens, guilty or innocent, Clemens probably gets what he deserves for hiring a lawyer named Rusty. It's like trusting a mortician named Skip.

WTF? Seriously, can anyone explain this to me?

And hey, whatever happened to Bryan McCabe? Oh right, he signed that massive contract and now everyone hates him. The Chicago Tribune reminds us that getting Bryan was actually a damn good trade. From their list of laziest recent Chicago athletes, it's none other than Alexander Karpotsev!

The Russian defenseman's best talent was coming up with ways to avoid playing during his three-plus seasons with the Blackhawks. These usually involved pulled or bruised muscles right at the beginning of a West Coast road trip. "Potsy" would join the team on the trip and get his rehab in a nice, warm climate. After being acquired in October 2000 from the Toronto Maple Leafs for Bryan McCabe--who went on the become an NHL All-Star--Karpovtsev missed 29, 17 and 42 games before being traded to the New York Islanders on March 9, 2004, for an '05 fourth-round draft pick.

Little known fact: Karpotsev is still in hockey, as a personal trainer. Among his clients are Kyle Wellwood, Jeff O'Neill, and Jason Allison. However, Allison recently quit, chafing at Karpo's "Power Thursdays" regimen, which included watching the Rockford Files and a brisk nap, followed by seven innings of beer league softball.

Saving the best for last, inspiration to the unemployable Brylcreem Jr is back drawing a paycheck! The irrepressible hair treatment connoisseur and amateur hockey executive will be part of TSN's trade deadline team.
This will lead to a David Brent level of fist-biting awkwardness, as Fletch frantically tries to dismantle the team JFJ built while he sits there and comments. Look for some exchanges like this:

McKENZIE: So the deal is official, Pavel Kubina to Detroit for a 7th rounder. We're also hearing that Fletcher has traded Andrew Raycroft to a Whitby-area Canadian Tire, in exchange for one of those goalie things you tie to the crossbar in practice.

DREGER: Well, not much return, but the Leafs simply had to get out from under those contracts. I like Canadian Tire taking on the dollars. If Raycroft can regain his confidence, they could make some noise in the Friday Midnight League 'B' Division playoffs.

*everyone looks at Ferguson*

BRYLCREEM: Well, Cliff is being aggressive to make space for some.... some... *looks at Milbury* at least I never traded Luongo and Spezza!!!!

*runs out of studio sobbing*

McKENZIE: Ehh, it still worked out better than "Win, Lose, or Tie."

Seriously, why the hell would JFJ take this on so soon? Between this and his brave face during his five month firing, I'm beginning to think he is some kind of a masochist. The word out there has reached me through rumours that have been leaked that some of JFJ's other possible projects include:

-agent for Andy Wozniewski
-liasion to NHL disciplinary committee, Philadelphia Flyers
-president, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation

You can't make this stuff up! Unless you can.