A Million Ways to Say Third Place Again: Blue Jays Mittenstringing Preview

We've been beaming like proud papas ever since we heard the news that one of our mittenstringing own got called up to the Show, the satirical big leagues, about 14 rungs above our corner of the interwebs:

"Toronto Columnist Writes Annual 'Blue Jays Have A Chance' Article"

TORONTO--Following a flurry of offseason activity by his hometown Blue Jays, Toronto Star baseball columnist Richard Griffin has written his yearly mid-March article asserting that the Jays have a chance to contend in the AL East.

Wait, what the hell? Even we know  that satire has to have a passing relationship to the truth to play, be it Steve Simmons as Sports Beat Ralph Wiggum or Damien Cox as deranged contrarian (wait, that's not satire at all -nevermind). If you want satire we can use, why not "Toronto Columnist Writes Weekly 'Fire Ricciardi' Article" or to stay a little more current, how about "Toronto Columnist Writes Hourly 'Reed Johnson in Memoriam' Article, 800-page Manifesto To Be Distributed at Skydome Thursday; Sandwich Board and Markers Purchased"?

That's right, after devoting last week's entire Lamebag to the Screed for Reed, Grimace comes out swinging this week at some poor sap who dared suggest that the Jays' dismissal of a 31-year old left-fielder with a below average bat and indifferent defence who has made over five million dollars out of the game was not an injustice on par with the Dreyfus Affair, Forrest Gump winning Best Picture, or Game 6 of the 1993 Western Conference Finals:

A-I find the general attitude of seamheads and stat geeks like yourself towards real, human, flesh and blood players that don't measure up to your computer-generated ideals to be sad....

But please recall how Jays' GM J.P. Ricciardi dissed Shannon Stewart when he originally traded him to the Twins for Bobby Kielty. Shannon is older now, still running against the wind. I don't blame you for your immaturity. It's easy for someone on the outside looking in to disregard the humanity of players. But it's difficult for someone that has been in the major-league game for 35 years to do the same. There will never be any apologies from my part for caring about players as human beings, no matter how flawed their skills may seem when run through a computer.

God, you think he'd at least be happy the Jays brought back a black guy. Worse still is the canard, as tired by now as the 'bloggers live in their parents basement' that somehow a deep desire to understand more about the game, and hope your ballclub applies that understanding so they can you know, win baseball games, is incompatible with the joy, suffering, and passion of a fan. In fact, the exact opposite is true. Bill James put the definitive smackdown on this idiocy in his chat on the Freakonomics blog this very week:

Q: Has looking at the numbers prevented you from actually just enjoying a summer day at the ballpark? Have we all forgotten the randomness of human ballplayers? By reducing players to just their numbers can we lose sight of the intangibles such as teamwork, friendships, and desire.

A: Does looking at pretty women prevent one from experiencing love? Life is complicated. Your efforts to compartmentalize it are lame and useless.

But I should have known, I guess. The Star slapped a warning on this week's 2Extreme to HANDL Lamebag before the click-through:

Baseball columnist Richard Griffin answers your Blue Jays questions, and this week has a warning for seamheads and stats geeks: ...

GET OFF HIS LAWN!

Actually, it should be:

Baseball columnist Richard Griffin answers your Blue Jays questions, and this week has a warning for seamheads and stats geeks: ...

He doesn't understand statistics, so leave him alone!

How else do you explain his argument that Johnny McGlovin should be Halladay's personal SS cause "Face it, in a game where one of the best pitchers in baseball is plying his trade, he does not need the extra run that a more offensive player might provide, he needs the two runs that a superior defender might prevent." John McDonald saves 324 runs a season, folks. I need to call upstate New York and tell them to get the plaque ready. Oh, and +10 for the logical fallacy.

However, a later question proves that Grimace stands far above the hectoring of mortals like myself and the Onion:

Q-Shaun Marcum, real deal?

A-It depends on whether you are asking about Shaun Marcum as a human being or as a major-league player.

"My 35 years in the game has given me the power to measure not only a young man's split-finger fastball, but the mettle of his immortal soul!!!!! Try to put that on a spreadsheet you square-eyed idolators!"

So judge not, lest we be judged.

In other stuff I couldn't fit in properly, Rance "Smithers" Mulliniks thinks the Jays will go all the way, Jeff Blair wrote a good, informative piece about JP and his tenure (I particularly liked the part about the backlash from his firing of scouts) and Griffin bitched today about the unfairness of the Jays getting beat by Melky Cabrera when he should have been suspended. Tough loss for the Halladay and the Jays, but Dick can apparently see to it that Melky will be tormented for eternity in a lake of fire, so it evens out. Yep, gonna be a long season. Stick around.