All-Day Sucker

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Look Blocheads, I'll level with you. Kim and I are sick as all hell of dealing with Damien Cox. When we got word of the Omen's latest transgressions against logic, Luke Schenn, and puppies, we passed the responsibility back and forth like a crack pipe in Whitney Houston's limo. But the man today described as "as multimedia as it gets in this country" really was everywhere so like Terry Funk signing up yet again to take steel chairs to the head for money one more time, let's take a look at the man's Jay Mariotti hat trick - popping up to embarass himself in print and on the web, than calling in to 640 this afternoon to clean up the mess. He's the King of All Media!

It all started this morning when Damien wrote his utterly predictable tirade sniping at the Leafs for letting Fletcher do his job, a refreshing change from his normal castigation of ownership for not letting the GM live. (LET CLIFF LIVE!) It was Klassic Kox: Steen and Cola, who I don't recall DC Talk ever having much time for, are now promising former first round picks being given up on. Lee Stempniak, a 25 year old two seasons off a 27-goal campaign on a lousy team, is now someone 'with 16 goals in his last 97 games.' His usual rigorous research is on display, as he manages to flub both the round Stempniak was drafted in (better still, he uses this as evedence to snidely snub Stempniak. Yeah, and Mike Piazza, Tom Brady, and Henrik Zetterberg are all garbage too. Todd Van Poppel, Ryan Leaf, and Alexandre Daigle, those guys are stars) and his reports his base salary instead of the more relevant cap hit (its 2.5 M, not 3.5). And there's a dash of totally baseless specualtion in there too - if the Leafs dealt two first rounders, Luke Scehnn could be next! Hell, they dealt Chad Kilger and Wade Belak for for low picks last year and they were both TOP TEN DRAFT CHOICES. Madness!

But as Cox says, it's about the bigger picture. The bigger picture in this article is apparently that MLSE has pooched it yet again - that this trade, which he himself describes early in the column as not that important, actually means Fletcher is trading away the future, Peddie is maneuvering to stay in charge, and that this whole trade is going to put Burke off joining the Leafs.

At this point Damien, no doubt feeling good after a hard 15 minutes work, went and had a hoagie and a Snapple or a nice Arby's combo and returned to his desk, perhaps envisioning an afternoon of making his Fletcher and Wilson sock puppets fight each other and watching Family Matters reruns. A quck look at TSN's website scuppered that though as Bob McKenzie, a man who overcame sharing a name with the world's most famous hoser AND appearing on TV with a haircut that looked like a bear's ass for the bulk of the 1990s to become Canada's most respected hockey scoopster, was reporting that the Burke deal was just about done.

Damien then perhaps quickly retyped Bob's article and posted, which appeared on the under the unfortunate headline 'Brian Burke a Leaf at Last.' Except, of course, he's not.

But wait! There's more! Damien gave us a special edition of his weekly teabag, which featured this piece of daring performance art:

Unfortunately, this has not been an organization where players stick around, or are allowed to stick around, very long.

Yes, the man who gave us 'The Muskoka Five' (which admittedly, was genius) is now characterizing the Leafs of recent times as not a country club but a Dickensian sweatshop, where young men of promise are put through the wringer for a couple short fleeting years before being tossed aside broken, without a fair chance or even their dignity. That lovable urchin Jason Blake still manages to to sneak back to his home behind the rag and bone shop every summer with four million dollars though.

And then! Damien tries to relax with the soothing sounds of Wilbur and what does he hear? Him getting ripped for the headline and generally called an evil meanie who lives under a bridge. So he calls Greg Brady "in the interests of good journalism" (did Craig Bromell call in earlier that day in the interests of civil rights? That's about the equivalent) to set the record straight. He doesn't write the headlines! He's OK with criticism! What follows is a back-slapping game of good natured grabass that should be played in j-schools as an example of the sorry state of the profession in this country. It's hard for Brady to kiss Damien's ass when he's trying so hard to cover it, but he does his best. Damien calls his article accurate, the headline a misunderstanding. Which is all well and good, but what about the article this morning? You know? From a few hours earlier? Where you wrote that MLSE is putting the Burke hire in jeopardy and then got pantsed by every other source with a reporter that was paying attention?

Nothing. We get some meanspirited jabs at Steve Simmons (honestly, stop stealing our bit) and some nightmare fuel in the form of a reference to Wilbur "sunning his buns in Florida." (Note to self: never visit Florida again). And that's it!

How the hell was your day?

(And if you want my opinion, Steen and Carlo plateaued ages ago and it made sense to cash them in for a young guy who can play a top six role. Lee Stempniak also has a name that sounds like he should be playing on the old Jets, with Paul MacLean setting him up and Jim Kyte watching his back. Quality move.)


paulf said:

Let's wait until Zetterberg scores 600 goals before he replaces Robitaille as 'best late-round pick ever'. And can you believe the Leafs gave up on Todd Warriner so quickly? I'm still steamed about that one.

I wondering if the headline wasn't a simple mistake in punctuation?
"Brian Burke a Leaf at Last." vs
"Brian Burke a Leaf at Last?"

Makes a huge difference.

Damian's bizarre morning rant however with the teaser
"Burke told to cool his jets while the Leafs make trades" was completely indefensible.

Craig Bromell = Awesome!!

Varry Galk said:

Fabulous stuff. My thoughts exactly. And it *is* classic DC Talk timing to write the Burke-in-jeopardy column yesterday morning...didn't he write his "Leafs will never shake up their front office" opus the morning they fired JFJ?

My only regret about this piece: I fear that "STEMPNIAK!" may not make it to the top of the Tag Cloud.

That lovable urchin Jason Blake still manages to to sneak back to his home behind the rag and bone shop every summer with four million dollars though.

Top drawer! What an incredible ass DC is; I listened to the clip of DC's call-in, and the mutual masturbation that followed between Brady and Cox was nothing short of pathetic.

Well done.

Signed, the REAL Wren Kegget, not the guy who told that story. Which was teh awesome, by the way.

D²an D¹aoust said:

'...Dickensian sweatshop'. Nice. That was a good read, thanks for that Mr. Till.

Yeah, I'm not sure what the exact point is in the article, if any. Usual Coxian frothing of the mouth I suppose. I enjoyed the assumption that 'Schenn is next' because trading first rounders is THE thing to do, well at least in the last 48 hrs or so. That made me laugh a little inside. Ah Cox, paid to reveal his mental ineptitude to the rest of the world.

Stempniak is indeed a cool name. He could just as easily slide into a circa 80s Sabres line-up. They as well as the Jets did have some really cool names to grace the back of their jerseys. I mean come on, they had Hannu Virta for christsakes!

Sats Mundin said:

Another brilliant post.

I thought Cox made a decent point about Stemps becoming an unrestricted free agent after next season, but in retrospect, paying out a player, who is young and actually performs, is a problem I want the Leafs to have.

But you're bang on, it certainly has been quite the interesting 24 hours in the world of Cox.

Well done, Mr. Till.


Kim Jorn said:

Hey Varry,

Cox did indeed write a variation of this column on the day that JFJ was fired:

Once, we might excuse as bad luck. Twice makes me think that he really has no clue what is happening down at MLSEL.

Wren Kegget now known as Zeter Pezel said:

Sorry, Wren, had no idea the name was taken.

BTW, updating the story, it might not have been Mingle's...could have been the Crown and Anchor (Defenitley not the Sword and Shield though, that would have made too much sense)

Signed the bulbous fat ass known as Zeter Pezel....

@Zeter Pezel:

Just kiddin' around. I started laughing because I read the comment, looked at the name and actually had a moment when I thought, "wow, I don't remember that happening to me. Why would I say that?" before I realized it wasn't me. Gave me a little insight into how teh Cox must feel after writing many of his columns...

Ivonne said:

Great post ... so often I find myself completely frustrated with Mr. Cox ... talk about constantly changing your story and it seems like he never gets called on it. Love your blog!

Varry Galk said:

Just out of curiosity, what happens to the media meme that MLSE will never shake up its front office because fans keep buying tickets? And if Burke's not successful, how would that failure remain the fans' fault? The mittenstringers need to get creative...

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This page contains a single entry by Godd Till published on November 25, 2008 8:26 PM.

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