2008 MITTENSTRINGER OF THE YEAR

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The 2008 Mittenstringer of the Year Awards and Meat Draw took place on Sunday night. This unprecedented failtacular was perfectly pitched to the standards of those being honoured. It took place in the worst place on earth, Oshawa, and featured the comedy hosting stylings of Mike Bullard. Musical entertainment was provided by Slik Toxik and Snow, and guests feasted on KFC Famous Bowls and Thrills Gum. While negotiations for a premiere broadcast on CHEX-TV fell through at the last minute, we are happy to provide transcripts of the winners' acceptance speeches. To really put you in the mood, this clip captures the vibe of the evening perfectly.

And now, our winners!

Second runner-up, DON CHERRY:

"Well you know Ron, it's good to be back here where Bobby Orr took a crap once. Chicken wings, Dougie Gilmour, play the pass on the two on one, Ron Wilson is nuttier than squirrel shit... KIDS DON'T SHARE WATER BOTTLES, one time me and Terry O'Reilly ate a bears heart... smeared its blood....so many good men dead..what's the deal with herring? How do they get those big fish into those little glass jars? I shouldn't eat that Swede shit...fight all the time, Kirk Muller, good night. 

First-runner up, HOWARD BERGER:

"I know I shouldn't be upset about this, not when children are dying in cancer wards all over the place. I know that I should be grateful that you sheep enable my playboy lifestyle of limo rides, Cowboys tickets, and midseason California holidays.... but WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE??? What do I have to do? I insult the fanbase all year, I ghostwrite a YEAR'S worth of reasonable columns for Steve Simmons, I get a goddam open letter from the entire Barilkosphere, and that's not enough? Well, I am IN IT TO WIN IT for 2009, so let me get started right now: What's the difference between NAMBLA members and Leafs fans?

Even the ACLU won't defend Leafs fans! HEY-O! But they both soil their jeans over kids who are barely shaving - you in the Schenn jersey, you know what I'm talking about!

(wrap it up music begins loudly playing)

"Wendel Clark wears a fake stache!" (Berger is dragged offstage)

WINNER, AND 2008 MITTENSTRINGER OF THE YEAR, DAMIEN COX:

"Well, this is a surprise... I'm afraid I didn't even prepare a speech. Seriously though, you idiots naming me in January last year might have tipped me off a bit. But this doesn't faze me. Y'all will spend the next year hating on me in between bites of Scarios at your Mom's crib, while big DC Talk is still gonna be chuckling at foibles, and making the long cheddar. Such is the magnitude of my pimpin.

I think that this may be the last year for me for a while, though. As we all know, there are a lot of truly bad sportswriters in Toronto. Bad writing, no research, lackluster analysis, hell, even outright shitting all over the fanbase doesn't necessarily raise you above the pack. No, it takes a true, unhinged hatred for those running the Leafs to put it over the top. And as I've been fairly positive about Brian Burke, I just don't know where that--

(suddenly "Black Hole Sun" blares through the ballroom)

STEVE SIMMONS: "Good God! That's Al Strachan's music!!!"

To be continued?

9 Comments

LeafFanInVan said:

Heartbreak Strachan! With the steel chair!

Bravo! Standing ovation!

(steals Dimanno's purse during the standing ovation; discovers incriminating photos of Feschuk on her cell phone)

"Wendel Clark wears a fake stache!"

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Awesome. I look forward to your next post in 2010.

Kim Jorn said:

In case people are interested in the voting numbers:

COX - 53.1%
WCH - 21.8%
Grapes - 9.3%
Rosie - 6.25%
Toth - 6.25%
York - 3.1%

Cox with a clear majority.

Please e-mail Cox to tell him of his award :)

Wohn Jensink said:

Cherry's willingness to offend absolutely anybody was demonstrated beyond further doubt at the Bruins' recent Christmas party, which was attended by players, wives, kids and dogs. Cherry's beloved bullterrier Blue was absent, and when the Boston Globe's John Ahern asked the reason, Cherry deadpanned, "Having Blue around these other dogs would be like bringing Raquel Welch into the wives' room."

-Sports Illustrated, January 15, 1979

bkblades said:

"I come for TEH COX, but stay for the depression in a bowl served by KFC."

Thanks for keeping MOP alive and well, guys.

wendel alomar jr. said:

Shit, that was hilarious shit. Deadly, deadly shit. And hilarious.

Sats Mundin said:

I don't tell you enough, but you mother fuckers are fucking brilliant.

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This page contains a single entry by Godd Till published on January 14, 2009 8:22 PM.

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