Ask an Isles Fan

Many of you will be familiar with Dick RiPietro from either his trolling in the comments section or his excellent contribution to our review of Chinese Democracy. With the future of the Leafs and Isles becoming more and more entwined as the two teams vie for the right to draft John Tavares, we thought it would interest our readers to know what goes on, if anything, inside the mind of an Islanders fan. We tracked Dick down in the natural habitat of the Islanders supporter (rooting through the garbage behind the bingo hall for smokeable cigarette butts) and asked him a few questions.

But first, it is time to for me to stick my thumbs in my belt loops Strombo style and give you the bio. Dick is a former member of the North Bay Centennials front office and now works on some top-secret government stuff that he could tell us about, but then would have to kill us. Seriously. Sometimes he starts telling us about it just so that he has an excuse to kill us.

Dick is not only an expert when it comes to terrible NHL clubs; he also possesses an insane knowledge of pro-wrestling and heavy metal. Dick has paid actual dollars to see the following bands in concert: Dangerous Toys, Firehouse, Metal Church, Sepultura, Danzig, Sacred Reich, Suicidal Tendencies, Iron Maiden, Guns'n'Roses, Warrant, Ugly Kid Joe, Trixter, Slaughter, Pantera, Queensryche, Testament, Judas Priest, Motley Crue, White Lion, Vixen, and many many others.

Now that we're all friends, on with the inquisition:

Why are you an Islanders fan? Fetal alcohol syndrome? You're a masochist? What gives?

I started watching hockey around 1980. I'll admit it I jumped on the bandwagon. I just haven't had the brains to jump off.

Are the Islanders tanking, or are they really this bad? 

Well, I am going to toe the company line here and say that injuries have really played a part in our bad season. It really has nothing to do with the fact that we are a team of over the hill has-beens and youngsters who have yet to do anything. It is all because of injuries.

How are the Isles going to fuck up the number one pick in June? 

I am pretty sure that we will finish dead last and then lose the stupid lottery draw and not get first anyway.

Assuming that the Isles finish last and win the lottery, who do you want them to draft?

Obviously the pick would be Tavares but I don't think Hedman is the worst idea.  I like the idea of a big guy who isn't going to break and be a waste of a pick ala Brett Lindros.

Josh Bailey has been looking good as of late? Which over-paid and over-the-hill vet do you expect him to be traded for this summer?

 I think it will be Bailey for McCabe.  The Isles are notorious for getting players back that are past their prime and would have been useful 5 years earlier. See Bryan Berard.

Mike Milbury traded away Roberto Luongo, Jason Spezza, Bryan McCabe, Zdeno Chara, Todd Bertuzzi, Olli Jokinen, Eric Brewer, and many others during his tenure as Isles GM. Which one of those players would you most like to have back? 

I think Chara is the one I miss the most.  That is guy is money.  I watched the Bruins-Isles game last night and remembered how awesome he is.

What is your favourite memory as an Isles fan?

Easily the conference final run in the 92-93 playoffs.  The cups are good but I was still a little young to really appreciate it.  The Dave Volek goal and Kasparaitis making Mario his bitch were especially exciting.  (I still hate Dale Hunter)

Who is the Islanders equivalent of Wendel Clark?

I would have to say Gillies.  He had the same style of play and is still beloved on The Island.

How about the equivalent of Aki Berg or Larry Murphy?

Berg - I would say maybe Scott LaChance fit that role.  He certainly wasn't spectacular and underachieved every step of the way.

Murphy - If you mean someone who played for the Peterborough Petes, I think only Steve Webb and Joey McDonald fit.

Should Clark Gillies be in the Hall of Fame?

His stats aren't great, but they aren't bad either.  He had over 30 goals 4 years in a row and had tons of fights as well.  He was also on the line with Bossy and Trots and look how great those two did.

Your grasp of cause and effect seems a bit lacking. Anyway, Vladimir Kozlov - yea or nay? 

I am going with a nay.  It may as well be Snitsky up there.  If I want to see a big Russian give me Nikita Koloff any day of the week

Which Ranger do you hate the most?

There are so many, but off the top of my head I think Domi.  Mostly because he gets all the props for being so tough but when Mick Vukota kicked his ass, no one said shit about it.

What are your thoughts on the Leafs? 

Alright, here is my honest opinion on the leafs, of course not taking into consideration the shit I give you guys...I actually used to like them in the 80's...The hound line, Frycer, Salming, Courtnall, Palmateer, etc.  The problem is that when you grow up in Leaf Nation and they are not your favourite team, it is impossible to get info on anything else.  Luckily there is Internet and Center Ice and stuff now, but I am already soured.  I hate seeing all these people who don't give a damn about them until they do something good and then everyone and their brother is sporting their leaf jersey and painting their face blue and white.  I am sure it is the same in every town but since this is where I am, then this what I have to put up with.  Other than that, as long as we are not in contention for a playoff spot then I don't really give a shit one way or another.

Are you finally willing to admit that Tucker's hit on Peca was clean?

I could never admit that it was clean. My mother taught me not to lie.

If the Isles were an 80's hair-metal band, what band would they be?

As much as I hate to admit it, I would say they are probably Warrant.  They started off strong and were a big deal for a few years, but soon fell from grace.  They keep trying to make a comeback but no one is interested.

Is Hellacious Acres the best Dangerous Toys record?

That is an excellent question.  That one and the self-titled are nearly perfect in every way.  I think it might just get the nod over the self-titled one though since it has the better cover art.

What is the better Quiet Riot song - Metal Health or Cum On Feel Tha Noize?

 Easily Metal Health, out of the two, but Sign Of The Times might be the best song ever written.

You're ordering breakfast at the Aviemore. Bacon, ham, or sausage?

Bacon every time.

Genesis or SNES?

 I am all about Nintendo in every other instance but this one.  NHL for Genesis was like crack.  Especially the year that you could do "the move" and score every time.

I assume you mean 'Fake to the backhand, shift to forehand and roof it?' I won Paul Dipietro the Hart and Art Ross with that move. One final question - you can go out on the piss with a) one original member of GNR b) one pro wrestler, and c) one NHLer. Who do you choose, and why?
 
I am assuming that you mean I get to choose one of each.

a) Duff.  We both like the metal and the punk and we both play bass with a pick (which is looked down on by "real" bass players.)  Preferably before he got sober, but I bet he is still a riot.
 
b)Barry Darsow.  The most underrated wrestler of all time.  Whether it be Demolition Smash, Krusher Krustchev, Repo-Man (my personal favourite) or even Hole In One Darsow, I have always been a fan of his work.  I would love to hear some stories from the early days teaming with the Koloffs.
 
c) One NHLer...that one is tough.  I would probably say Link Gaetz.  I bet that guy drinks like a fish and is probably up for some rowdy behaviour when out on the town.  Wouldn't really have to worry about getting in a fight as I am sure he could pretty much beat anyone's ass.

Thanks for your time Dick. Potvin sucks.

Do you have a question for Dick? We'll be taking reader questions for the next edition of "Ask an Isles Fan". Leave your question in the comments, or email it to coxbloc@gmail.com, Remember, we're dealing with an Islanders fan here, so try to use as few multi-syllable words as possible.

*Note: Use of Comic Sans is intentional.