SEE YOU LATER, SUCKERS!

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Dearest Blocheads, we've come to a crossroads. A fork in the road. A time in our lives when we have to choose between the path we've followed since our youth - a path littered with the constant failure and shame of the last 42 years - or strike out in a new hopeful direction, crammed to the foodhole with prestige, pride and honour.

You may notice our output has dried up over the past few months. We've said that this is because we've grown tired of making the same jokes about the same writers over and over again, but there is another reason.  After years of denial, we've come to realize that supporting an inept collection of perennial losers makes us no better than rats. If we are going to care about trivialities like hockey while kids have cancer, at least we should be supporting a winner. If not we are no better rats awaiting another blue and white food pellet, unaware it will make us bloat up and croak.

Leafs Suck.jpgThat's right. We're Habs fans now, and we urge our former friends in Leafs Nation to join us. You don't have to forsake your disgraceful club entirely, but there is a tonne of room on the Habs bandwagon and your support can only help this plucky group of underdogs as they battle for a playoff spot.

You know us Habs fans would do it for you, right?

If this reasoning doesn't do it for you, maybe we can sway you with our top-ten list of reasons why we've emigrated from Leafs Nation and taken up residency in the Habs Universe.
 
1. Loads of room on the bandwagon

The Leafs have been an absolute disgrace for nearly 42 years, and this entirely the fault of fans who have flocked to the local hockey rink and handed over their hard-earned cash year after year to a succession of incompetent owners. While these sheep were rewarding their team for failure, Habs fans sent a message to their team by refusing to buy more than 97% of the tickets available to them. Management listened and this noble revolt resulted in a playoff appearance within the last five years. Now it is really time for the Habs loyal fans to be rewarded with what they deserve and we want to be part of it. You may call this frontrunning. We call it "being a Habs fan."

2. All-Stars. We've got All-Stars.
 
The NHL honoured the Habs this year by naming four Montreal players to start in this year's all-star game. While Bruins fans are stuck with non-starters like Marc Savard, Zdeno Chara and Tim Thomas, the Habs recent success can be attributed to all-stars like Alexei Kovalev, Mike Komisarek and Carey Price.

3. 6-5-2
 
That is the Habs record in November. They won nearly half of their games. When it mattered. Thanks to Gary Bettman's points-for-everyone scheme, that is a better-than-500 record.

4. Playing the game the right way
 
While the Make Me Laughs are content to let an 18 year old kid fight all their battles, the Habs have taken Conn Smythe's mantra (if you can't beat them on the street, beat them in the alley) to heart. Whether facing the boards, lying prone on the ice, or taking your purse to a nightclub, rest assured that a Hab will get you.

habs_arrested_ap_400.jpgAnd don't think this is limited to the players. While you Leaf fans laughably parade around town after winning game one of a conference final, us Habs fans are out setting your car on fire after a second round exit.

Riot.jpeg5. 24 Stanley Cups

As anyone who has spent more than five minutes near a Yankee fan can tell you, there is nothing more endearing than someone repeatedly telling you how many championships their team has won. As a fan of the Montreal Canadiens, we are proud of our teams past success and aren't afraid to tell everyone about it every chance we get. As an added bonus, it is impossible for us to ever lose an argument. What's that you say? The Habs failed to address their major issues at the trade deadline and may miss the playoffs in their glorious 99th season? We've won 24 Stanley Cups. Their laughable coaching change has reduced a much anticipated anniversary to a remake of How To Self-Destruct, by the Ottawa Senators? Well, we've won 24 Stanley Cups! Huh? Carey Price is Andrew Raycroft with a worse glove hand? We've won 24 Stanley Cups? What? The Leafs, who are terrible, have owned the Habs this year? WE'VE WON 24 STANLEY CUPS!

6. 1993

 
Sure we're approaching two decades without a Stanley Cup victory and have won only four playoff rounds in the last 15 years. So what if the Habs have played to level of an expansion team for more than a decade (not counting Anaheim, Ottawa, Tampa Bay, obviously) and can't seem to be able find someone who wants to own hockey's most storied franchise. While we watched the Leafs rack up regular season points, consistently qualify for the playoffs and make three appearances in the conference final during a ten year span, we didn't care. We're Habs fans and we can count.  Fifteen is less than 42. As our most recent success drifts further and further into the rear-view mirror, we're still content knowing that yours has fallen out of view. This is the best part about being a Habs fan: dwelling on past success and feeling a smug sense of entitled superiority because, even though we haven't had much to cheer about for a long time and our prospects for future success are nearly non-existent, we'll always have the increasingly distant past to gloat about.

7. Media

This is going to be the hardest thing to deal with here at Cox Bloc. Since we're not so good with the French, we'll stick to savaging the local mittenstringers. The only problem is, how do we rip apart locals like Damien Cox? We're talking about a guy who can see the genius behind trading your veteran goaltender away weeks before the playoffs only to have your rookie keeper implode on the biggest stage in hockey? How can we be upset when we open up Sports Illustrated and see that their main hockey writer, Michael Farber, has penned another love letter to the Habs or another hatchet job on the Leafs? These guys get it. Looks like we're going to have to set our targets on places like Pension Plan Puppets, where they use cheap gimmicks like facts and analysis to rip apart our beloved Habs. We're on to you, and we're coming for you.

8. Daniel Briere
 
We've always wanted to boo Briere for no reason. Now it is our duty as Habs fans.

9. Laughing at the Laffs

One of the hardest things about being a Leafs fan was the constant struggle to make jokes about the Montreal Canadiens. I mean, how can you laugh at a team that has won 24 Stanley Cups? How can you poke fun at a group of fans as reasonable and classy as those who live and die for the Montreal Canadiens. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Make Me Laughs. Laffs. Leaves. That shit is hilarious. We look forward to sending out that Maple Leaf Meats email to all our Leaf fan friends every week. It is part of the deal. Also, we don't even have to work hard at this anymore since we can just make tired homophobic jokes that appeal to the lowest common denominator. Toller Cranston! Ha! Or how about this awesome photo:

Leafs fan.jpgGet it? He's totally a fruit and he's wearing Leafs gear. Because he is gay, he is totally less than a man. Just like Leafs fans.

10. Chemmy sent us $50 Zimbawean dollars.

...


BONUS FEATURE

Smoking Hot - A Carey Price Photo Gallery

Goodbye Wendel, hello Carey Price. As newly-minted Habs fans, one of our first actions was to adopt a new favourite player. Here are few snaps we found of Carey on a recent night out in Montreal:

Carey Price 2.jpg
Carey Price.jpg
Carey Price 3.jpg
Carey Price 4.jpg
Carey Price 5.jpg
Looking good Carey. We look forward to supporting you and your teammates in the day to come. Leafs fans, we'll see you at the parade.


24 Comments

Cayne Shorson said:

I CAN'T WAIT to send that Peter Pan photo to all my Leaf fan friends. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW MUTHAFUCKS????

This rules.

Sats Mundin said:

You magnificent bastards have come up with your best post, yet.

Applause is in order.

Die Tomi said:

you guys rock. Adn your shoe's untied

Bade Welak said:

Epic, you guys really pulled out all the stops for this one.

I bet it still felt dirty to do though.

lb71 said:

And you guys waited until just past midnight too. Nice.

Bllan Aester said:

Looks like we're going to have to set our targets on places like Pension Plan Puppets, where they use cheap gimmicks like facts and analysis to rip apart our beloved Habs. We're on to you, and we're coming for you.

Bring the noise punks. I knew it was only a matter of time before your Peterborough upbringing brought out your true colours. We'll be waiting for you.

10. Chemmy sent us $50 Zimbawean dollars.

Oh what's that? Pension Plan Puppets 1 Cox Bloc (or is it Hickey Bloc now?) 0

Oh Bllan, you silly lamb. Did Peddie tell you to write that?

As for the name of the blog, we wanted to change it to "Friends of Feschuk", but figured someone might already have the copyright on that one.

And Chemmy's $50 will come in handy. It is only a matter of weeks before the US dollar is so devalued that we'll be able to move down south and live like kings. We're going to use that $50 to buy Chrysler and immediately begin production on the Dodge Carey-Van. It comes equiped with 18 ashtrays for each of your lit cigarettes.

Ieter Phnacak (aka daoust) said:

gold. the pics at the end were the perfect finish.

Ymitri Duskeivich said:

But Cayne and Cuss, what the hell are you going to do when Les Glorieux are sent packing to Vegas by Jerry "Can't make a movie without 100 waving American flags" Bruckheimer? I mean, I know desert people live and die for ice-based sports (see Phoenix), but what would the team even be called? Wait- you could honour the past AND the present by calling them the Vegas Dionnes and have Celine do every single anthem- she wouldn't even have to interrupt her set, she could do it by camera from the Bellagio. Oh, wait- Marcel was a Wings Star. Maybe Gilbert?
http://canadiens.nhl.com/team/app?page=HistoricalPlayerDetail&pkey=8446415&service=page

Katshockey said:

tip of the hat ....

Wohn Jensink said:

Yankees fan + Habs fan = Steelers fan

Sats Mundin said:

You guys won't believe what happened to me today.

I'm at work, and one of the guys I work with is on the phone as I'm walking by. I pass him by a few steps and he puts his call on hold, and hollers at me.

So I walk back to him and he says "So, I read that the Montreal Canadiens might be awarded the 1919 Stanley Cup, you know, the one that wasn't handed out. So, in fact, we'll have 25. I just wanted to let you know that."

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the guy who said it. He's a rudey. But, at the end of the day, he's a Habs fan, and I couldn't help but laugh my ass off as I walked away, thinking about this very post and the mentality of Habs fans.

Unbelievable.

Once again, well done, fellas.

Nats Maslund (Tybalt) said:

Heh... too obvious... any sign that the two of you had actually come to your senses is obviously an April Fool.

"There is no Leafs-Canadiens rivalry. The Leafs killed it." Ken Dryden, 1983.

Hey Nats,

Why did you shut down your blog?

Carcel Mousineau said:

The Toronto media are rejoicing.

Nats Maslund (Tybalt) said:

Why did you shut down your blog?

It was just time. I'd been growing disenchanted with my writing, and it was getting to the point that every time I saw something that irritated me, I would run to the blog. That shit is unhealthy... it's not as bad as writing in forum (or god forbid newspaper) comment sections, but it ranks somewhere between smelling your own farts and jerking off onto pictures in your high school yearbook on the Don Cherry Scale of Instant Self-Obsessive Self-Gratification.

Basically, too much id.

My writing has become worse. I don't work enough on pieces, and I let emotion take me without reflecting properly in tranquility. That makes for clumsiness of prose. If I have to work through other media to publish things I want heard, I will enjoy it more in the end because it will be better product.

Tybalt said:

Just one comment on the 1919 Cup. There is no way that they could do that; it would be a travesty (speaking as a Habs fan here).

Cups are won on the ice. If the Cup Trustees were to do this, I would seriously embark on what I wanted to do five years ago and begin a suit to have new trustees appointed. We've already seen appalling breaches of trust; this would break the camel's back.

Dincent Vamphousse (Rill Boot) said:

Formidable.

Wonder what the mighty Feschuk would say about your sudden change of colours? Would he dip into his quiver of purple prose and unleash a Wilde-tipped arrow, something along the lines of: "the only thing worse than not being a Habs fan is being a Leafs fan that becomes a Habs fan". Cue waves of ribald laughter.

I could just imagine the arcs and lines of cyanide laced pen scriblling across some piece of paper, the same pen that he used to Knight Chris Bosh as "Sir Deadbeat", working out the permutations of hatred: Leafs fans hate themselves! Leafs fans that write about the press hate themselves even more! Leafs fans who write about the press who become Habs fans are in denial of their own self-loathing! Read my column for the next two years in order to purge yourself of your sins of Leafdom before you can support the sacred flannel with impunity!

Cayne, Cuss, was there any inner struggle on your behalf to leap to support the Habs?

Still Bewert (1967ers) said:

It should be noted that the whole '25th Cup' thing was a brilliantly-executed April Fool's joke....

Schnathieu Meider (Varry Galk) said:

You guys should have jumped on the bandwagon in November. When it mattered.

Also, you missed the very best reason in your top ten list:

Two words -- mob ties!

Slow clap! Pure genius, gentlemen. And the sobriquets tailored to the occasion are a nice touch.

Not only is this a fantasticly clever post, it also shows what can happen when smart minds come together to make an informed decision.

I can't wait to see what this blog looks like in teal when the Sharks make a run later this spring.

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Kim Jorn published on April 1, 2009 12:01 PM.

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