Be Afraid

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Quite the swerve by Damien Cox this week. You know, that column that confirms that Balsillie ranks somewhere between Cliff Fletcher, Darcy Tucker and you on the DC Talk Enemies List. This one. What to make of it? Was he simply carrying some water for Gary Bettman? Or in the most shocking heel turn since Hulk Hogan at Bash at the Beach, doing the J-O-B for MLSE???

These are strange times, sports fans. So I take comfort in these missives I received from down the QEW from longtime caller Uncle Nats Maslund, letting us know that Damien, like Churchill, may be the only man who understands the threat we face:

Cox today:

"The sensible approach, then, is for the NHL... to establish a blue-ribbon committee to examine the viability of a second team in Southern Ontario."

Oh fuck me sideways, Coxy.  That is too much.


"Yanking a struggling team out of one market to put it somewhere else that looks promising just isn't the way Bettman's NHL has done business."

No, a team has to be very popular locally in order for Bettman's NHL to yank it out of the market.  For example, the Winnipeg Jets.  Or the Quebec Nordiques.  Or the Hartford Whalers.

Seriously... have we fallen to the level where it's just OK to flat-out lie in the pages of a daily newspaper, and no repercussions can be expected? 

And Cox's article actually ran WITH A PICTURE OF BRUCE MCNALL ON IT.   And a comparison in the article to McNall and John Rigas.  Why not also speculate he might also be a child-molesting serial killer?  What if Jim Balsillie wants to move the Coyotes to Hamilton as part of a terrorist plot, huh?  *What then?????*  How long must we be subjected to this man's evil schemes before some good person, some brave Damien Cox of law enforcement, stands up to him and his nefarious schemes?!?  If you want your children to die in a ditch somewhere in Arizona, choking on their last breath of free air as Balsillie cackles his evil laugh, then go ahead and appease this monster.  Let him engage in his "free market" transaction.  But when this results in the death of hockey, don't come crying to me, because I WANTED A COMISSION.  AND NOT A FUCKEN WHITE RIBBON COMMISSION EITHER... I want a BROWN ribbon commission.  I mean BLUE, blue.

Yes truly Cox has done us the service of alerting to the terrifying threat of a man so evil, so deranged, he is trying to.... buy a business without doing the expected level of asskissing and bottlewashing of the other shady rich pricks first. It's just not done!

Thanks, Damien, for speaking out about  the greatest danger to hockey and our Canadian way of life since the metric system or flouridated water. I mean, Cox has even uncovered Balsillie's WMD, the Ultimate Terror Ray whose shadow we all cower under:

All these points are all dismissed or ignored by those who have drank deeply from Balsillie's Kool-Aid machine.

OH NOES! He has a Kool-Aid machine! Jim Balsillie is Jim Jones x 1000! DO YOU WANT TICKETS FOR THE JONESTOWN SIPPYCUPPERS? DO YOU???

Who said it's hard to get good help these days? This has a level of servility that would embarass Waylon Smithers. 

But there is no joy at Cox Bloc.... for has mighty Damien sold out???

9 Comments

pourin' one out for the Whalers :(

OH NOES! He has a Kool-Aid machine! Jim Balsillie is Jim Jones x 1000! DO YOU WANT TICKETS FOR THE JONESTOWN SIPPYCUPPERS? DO YOU???

Now I have to explain to my office why I am laughing about a mass suicide.

ymitri duskeivich said:

I prefer the sweet, sweet Kool-aid that Cox serves up on a bi-weekly basis- the Cult of the reality-denying Co(x)- insert phallic religious leadership joke here.

rill boot said:

Just as an aside, when exactly did Jonestown Koolaide become an acceptable phrase to describe fans as mindless peons willing to promote thirst-quenching hara-kiri if their 'leader' tells them too? Seems a bit stupid to condescend so terribly to fans who don't necessarily agree with a columnist's view, but then again, it's Cox, so in a way I should expect nothing less.

Yeah, I don't necessarily buy Cox's 'Sun Belt teams can work, so it's not an excuse' excuse. It's a pity he didn't bother to discover that the ECHL Phoenix Road Runners have folded at the end of this season. It's also a bit too bad that he didn't bother to research that Phoenix hardly has any Ice rinks for the recreational enthusiast, thereby making it difficult to grow the sport from an enthusiastic young fan base that will stick with the team through thick or so much Gretzky-coached thin. Then again, the Coyotes record as being well dipped in the font of mediocrity makes it easy to not want to imitate them - nobody wants to base their athletic fantasy reenactments on a tradition of losing. The key thing about Sun belt teams is that they have to be generally successful as your trying to create some semblance of a hockey loving culture and not feed off it -it's really not that difficult of a point to figure out, you;d think Cox would have discovered it. That's why when the North Stars folded, the Jets folded and the Nordiques folded I felt somewhat terrible that cities that really appreciated the game largely unconditionally lost their franchises. The Wild for me today just seem like a doppelganger to the original Stars in all their garish Green Yellow and White glory.

To be honest, I envy the man at times. Being a student and actually accountable for my idiocy at all times sometimes makes me pine for a Coxian employment opportunity in the near future where I can run roughshod with the facts and essentially talk out of my ass with impunity. Life is easier when you don't have to be consistent AND not taken to task for being so.

I can't believe you (and Nats) missed this part, Godd:

For starters, the NHL has the right to the pursue business strategies of its choice under the laws of Canada and the United States. There is no moral imperative here.

What's this? Damien Cox claims that there are no moral imperatives requiring the NHL to run their business in a certain way?

Can we safely assume that the declared inefficacy of moral imperatives vis-a-vis commercial organization means an immediate end of The Omen's campaign to eliminate fighting from hockey? Surely, only the most craven and hypocritical lackey to the Governors would advance such a libertarian and laissez-faire argument from one side of his shiny-domed face while simultaneously preaching against the sin of fighting from the other.

Either that, or he's a petulant crank with disorganized thoughts looking for attention by simply disagreeing with as many people as possible as frequently as he can. You decide.

Oh, and I love how The Omen conveniently overlooks the most recent tremendous success the NHL's conventional ownership screening system - no doubt a "blue ribbon" panel in itself - had in identifying top notch owners like Boots del Biaggio. Clearly, as between Balsillie (who earns real money from making actual stuff) and del Biaggio (who earned fictional money by making up stuff), Boots (you may know him better as Inmate # 79566934) was the more responsible choice. Yay, blue ribbon panel!

Paul D said:


You know what else is strange? Okay, maybe not strange, but potentially a little bit interesting? They didn't use Kool Aid at Jonestown, they used some knock off.

Wohn Jensink said:

this used to be my fave blog. *sigh*

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This page contains a single entry by Godd Till published on May 8, 2009 10:21 AM.

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