Cox Bloc

Join The Conversation!

2008-08-23T01:59:25Z

Godd: So Kim...

Kim: What up Till?

Godd: We've gotta give them what they want.

Kim: What's that G?

Godd: Well, Christie Blatchford wrote this batshit insane column where she tells bloggers to get off her lawn and compares Rosie DiManno to a highly trained surgeon. We've gotta break 'em off something.

Kim: Hell yeah

Godd: And it's gotta be bumpin!

Kim: CITY OF COMPTON!

Godd: Huh?

Kim: What?

Godd: Alright. Lets get to the crazy:

BEIJING -- The unofficial end to journalism as I know it may have come earlier this week, when my Globe and Mail sporty colleague Matt Sekeres and I were at the triathlon venue in the north end of the city, waiting for the event to start.

Kim: Shit dude. These Olympics have got everything: Michael Phelps, that Paraguayan javelin lady, Usain Bolt, and, apparently, the Journopocalypse.

Godd: I prefer Armediageddon.

The race was about an hour away when young Mr. Sekeres said the five words I have most come to dread: "I'm going to blog this." And he did - and on the 18th day of the eighth month in the year 2008, so it must be a lucky omen.

Kim: I thought the five words Christie would most dread would be "Al Strachan is coming over."

Godd: No, it's later when he says '"I had another couch accident."

Kim: How about "Police guilty in brutality case."

Godd: "Dead child expected to recover."

It was posted on The Globe's Games Blog at 10:23 a.m., Beijing time. Mr. Sekeres wrote three paragraphs about the excellent weather, the setting and that soon he and I would be heading down to the race course. The headline read, "Under Thatch with Blatch."

Godd: That sounds fucking horrible.

Kim: Tell me about it. I always imagined that a day out with Christie Blatchford would involve spending a few hours ghoulishly circling the corpses of dead children like a vulture.

I'm not sure if my hair burst into flames, but I wanted to burn something down.
Mr. Sekeres is a fine writer and engaging company. This isn't about him. He was merely doing what everyone - from paid professional writer to Olympian to the average guy in the stands - does now. He was committing his most idle thoughts and mundane observations if not to paper, then to its modern equivalent, a blog.

Kim: Hmmm. Idle thoughts...mundane observations...throw in some mash-notes to the troops and fawning over cops and you've got a Christie Blatchford column.

It is the modern way, but at the blogging Olympics - and these are the blogging Games, as Sydney marked the first all-out Web Games - with 20,000 journalists in the same approximate place, it is impossible to overlook the phenomenon and difficult not to participate. Let us now conjugate blog: I blog, I have blogged, I will blog.
Or rather, after a few desultory efforts in the early going here, let me say that I shall not blog. It is not because I take a principled stand against blogging. It's not that I don't love the Web. It's not that I'm a Luddite, or at least not just that I'm a Luddite.
It's that, as Michael Farber, the great Montreal sportswriter and Hockey Hall of Famer who works for Sports Illustrated, said the other day on a bus, "I have only a finite number of words in me." He is guarding what's left, properly determined not to squander them.

Godd: Really? Only a finite number of words in you? So each homerrific Habs piece from Farber or 5,000 word eyeglazer on your latest pedicure brings us one step closer to the magical day where, out of words, you two flop around like fish on a beach, able to communicate only in pictograms and the arrangement of small rocks? Righteous.

The Internet has completely changed the way reporters do business. That much we know.
A Canadian Press colleague saw me in a scrum the other day with my notebook out; he was stricken with nostalgia. "I can't remember the last time I used a notebook," he said. "It's all video now."

Godd: Oh, for the halcyon days of notebooks, typewriters, lovable scamps mining for coal and having our teeth pulled with no anaesthetic.

Since arriving in Beijing, the workhorses of Team Globe here - the sportswriters - have filed 24/7 to the website, blogged, done "podcasts" (I did, too, but haven't a clue what it was), and, oh yes, written for the actual newspaper, which is trickier than it might seem given that the 12-hour time difference means there is usually almost no news element to the stories we write for the paper.
It's the same for everyone.
Michael Phelps's last swim, as with all swim finals thanks to NBC, took place in the morning here, prime time back home. It meant that most Canadian papers could just barely squeak into the next day's editions the news of his record eighth gold. Rosie DiManno of the Toronto Star was poolside; she had five whole minutes to write and file the story. It does not make for thoughtful copy.

Kim: Five minutes!?! How is Rosie supposed to mock the way Chinese people speak and insult their culture in a mere five minutes?

Ms. DiManno's work ethic is legendary. When I remarked to her colleague Doug Smith that she had written five stories one day last week, he grinned and said, "Well, the paper has five sections." On one of those multistory days, Ms. DiManno got a snarky comment about one of them on the Star website, "comments" being the remarks Web readers are encouraged to post about the stories they read.

Kim: I can only imagine how awesome this snarky comment must have been.

Godd: OH HELLS YES BRING DOWN THE THUNDER OF A THOUSAND ROFLCOPTERS

"This feels more like a blog post, Rosie. A good blog, but a lame article," wrote someone identified only as HEC30.

Kim: You suck, HEC30.

Godd: Seriously, what the fuck was that?

You see? Everyone's a writer now. Everyone's an editor. It's as if the College of Physicians and Surgeons not only encouraged patients to read all the medical websites, but also to do their own diagnoses.

Kim: I think that would be fucking brilliant, though my moms might get pissed about all that blood on the shag carpet. How about you, Dr. Till?

Godd: Can't talk now. I'm on my way into surgery. Get me 10ccs of Fresca stat.

Kim: Sorry Dr. Till. I think it is too late. It would take a team of surgeons 18 hours to remove Ms. Blatchford's foot from her mouth after this one.

This is the democratization wrought by the Web, and if it has actually helped open up closed societies such as China's, in the West its chief effect, at least upon journalism, is to diminish whatever craft, and there is some, is left in the business.

Kim: I see no evidence of this, whatsoever. Defending the craft of journalism with such a poorly constructed sentence is like defending the state of NHL goaltending with an Andrew Raycroft clip reel.

Godd: Stop trawling for comments. But, yeah, Christie has done a breathtaking job of proving this point over the last couple decades.

Kim: Can I borrow Armin's copy of Swank?

It is not true that anyone can write on deadline. It is not true that anyone can do an interview. It is not true that anyone can edit themselves and sort wheat from chaff. It is not true that even great productive writers like The Globe's Jim Christie or Ms. DiManno or Mr. Farber can hit a home run every time they sit before the laptop. But the odds of them doing it are greatly increased if they haven't already filed 1,200 words to the Web, shot a video, done a podcast and blogged ferociously all day long.

Godd: Fun fact - doing something over and over again makes you worse at it. Christie can't believe we're sitting here talking about PRACTICE.

When my cohort first started out, we would get actual letters, often written in beautiful handwriting on creamy stationery. These readers went to some trouble to communicate with us, and usually we tried to write back. Then came e-mails, and though obviously they required less effort, in the early days they tended to be thoughtful, and most of us also tried to answer them. Then the volume became overwhelming, pseudonyms became common and sometimes, if you answered a note, you would learn later that your answer to one anonymous stranger had been posted somewhere, or e-mailed to 20 other people you didn't know.
And now there is blogging, and comments. Readers may take 30 seconds to post a comment on a story or blog item that a writer dashed off in a minute. On The Globe website, our slogan is "Join the Conversation," but in the blogosphere, what follows isn't usually a conversation but a brief, ungrammatical shouting match. You can have more pensive chats in a bar fight.

KimJorn676: WHATEVER YOU RACIST OLD WINDBAG WHO NOES NOTHING ABOUT JACK_SH*T EXCEPT HOW TO LOVE COPS AND SOLDIERS AND HATE PEOPLE WHO ASRENT WHITE COPS. LOLZZZ!!!!11!!

Godd: WHO THE F*CK IS SHE %TO SAY THAT SH*T IS UNGRAMMATICAL CAUSE I HEARD TJHAT THE COPYEDDITORS AT THE GLOB AND MAIL WON"T TOUCH HER WORK BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT WUS WRITEN BY AN WRETCHED HACK WHO NEVER MEYT A RUN-ON SENTENCE THAT SHE DIDN"T LOVE AS MUCH AS A STORY ABOUT A DEAD CHILD BORN OF A COP AND A SOLDIER WITH A CROWN PROSECUTOR AS GODPARENT AND 19 GUYS NAMED MUHAMMAD IN THE DOCK.. FTW ROFLOPOGOUS

KimJorn676: ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

GoddLooseNiqqels: YOU WANNA GO ME?!?!? DGSI UTIUGJHXKJS YIAU)(&*( OIHH NN <.

KimJorn676: YEAAAAAHHHHHH BOYZ!!!!!!

GoddLooseNiqqels: 911 WAS AN INSIDE JOB U SHEEP ASK DR RON PAUL:#

And journalism wasn't meant to be a conversation, anyway. It was maybe a monologue, at its most democratic a carefully constructed dialogue.

Godd: And blogging is not meant to be journalism. Did you know that you can eat apples and oranges and not die? It's true!

If readers didn't like or agree with the monologues in paper A, they bought paper B. What was most important about their opinions was that they thought enough to spend the coin.

Godd: So if I didn't like the genteel right-wingery of the Globe, I could treat myself to the US-style right-wingery of the Post, or the mouth-breathing Cro-Magnonry of the Toronto Sun. I was free from the heavy burdens of critiquing or opining on the wisdom Christie, Rebecca Edler, Lorne Gunter, and Michael Coren brought down the mountain every morning. It truly was a Golden Age. But woe is us, we wrote the forbidden blog and now we have been cast into the wilderness. Now we wander the wastelands of our mom's basements, with only our DSL connection and back issues of Frank Magazine to guide us on our way.

Most important, Michael Farber is right. We all have a limited number of things to say, informed opinions, funny lines, quirky observations. We have only so many words in us. Do we really want to spend them on something as ephemeral as a blog?

Godd: As opposed to a newspaper like the Globe and Mail, every issue of which, like the works of Proust, lives forever, peed on by cats, thrust into campfires, and slept under by homeless people.

Kim: You know what isn't nearly as disposable as a newspaper? The internet. It's true. I can just do a simple google search and find this classic piece of racist buffoonery that Christie wrote a couple years ago. I'll let the readers check it out themselves rather than taint this site with her vile and delusional ramblings, but I'll be surprised if many of them get past the part where she compares Muslim women to rats.

I have written some astonishingly banal columns in my life, and some very personal ones. I am the last person in the world who should object to blogging, but I do.

Kim: I have written some astonishingly mean-spirited blog posts in my life, and some very ignant ones. I am the last person in the world who should object to a mean-spirited and ignant columnist, but I do.

The thing that I know, as all the editors I have had also know, is what I didn't get to confide or write or commit to paper, because someone else had the good sense to put on the brakes. There are no brakes, and thus there is no joy, in blogville.

Kim: For Luddite Christie has struck out.

Godd: This would have been a good column, but it's a lame blog entry.

Till Bits

2008-08-21T00:05:00Z

HEY YOU GUYS!!!!

Whether or not he wins the Spink award and enters Cooperstown, Bob Elliot did some HOF mittenstringing today with his piece on l'affaire Richmond:

The Jays recalled the 28-year-old, one start before Olympic rosters had to be filed, had him start twice more and then demoted him to triple-A Syracuse on Friday.

Jays management appeared surprised when some Canadians reacted angrily to Canada going into the Olympics without its best starter.

Only arrogance or a failure to understand this country, or both, would allow management to not know they were walking into a sandstorm, or whatever it is Mr. Lahey and Randy say every 10 minutes on the Trailer Park Boys.

When the Colorado Rockies didn't allow Jeff Francis to pitch in the 2004 Olympics how many people in Denver cared? Canadians cared about the loss of Richmond.

Wow, I'm Canadian, I love baseball, and I didn't care at all. Who knew that JP Ricciardi's job is to stock the Canadian national team with talent? You know, if the Yankees really were 'America's Team' they should have lent America Jeter, & A-Rod!

This is the reality of an Olympic baseball tournament in the middle of baseball season, as outlined in a good piece by Jeff Blair today. Guys aren't available. The priorities of MLB clubs and national teams are different. Just because JP runs the only team in his particular country should not mean that he has to play by different rules than every other GM in baseball. While we're at it, why not send Matt Stairs? The Canadian team could use a bat.

If you have ten minutes to waste (you're here, aren't you?), check out the latest from Mike Toth. No, come on, do it!

Two fun games to get you through this eyestabber - 1. Count how many of his predictions, well, aren't. (start with #1 and work down). 2. What is the most awkward segue in the piece?

This?

And enough about Michael Phelps.

I'm partial to Don Phelps, the long-time coach of the Calgary Canucks of the Alberta Junior Hockey League.

At least he didn't go with Fred Phelps.

Or this?

A playoff team by default, but the Sens window of opportunity has already come crashing down on their fingers.

10. At least the Senators have fingers. Toronto, meanwhile, has just one Finger,

I predict a Sportsnet website editor will be arrested for aggravated assault by Christmas.

And hey, it wouldn't be a Cox Bloc joint without something about the Leafs! Well, it would, it just wouldn't get any comments. And we do have a special treat today so careful not to soil your blue and white jammies. Remember TSN spokesmelon David Pratt? Maybe from his days rockin' Port Alberni at CJAV? No? He and professional mousse receptacle Don Taylor currently host the drive time sports-talk show here in Vancouver (a recent poll question was devoted to 'what to do with the homeless during the Olympics, in which the gruesome twosome proposed opening the bars all day, opined that poor people had no right to live downtown cause the real estate is too valuable, and mused that with no homeless around, people would miss the heroin delivery. Classy). That ring a bell? No? Oh, how about this - he was the guy who got canned like tuna by the Province this summer for plagiarizing Rick Reilly - all because he "wanted to get out of the office before 12 on a Saturday." Yeah, that guy!

Anyways, his firing coincided with months of inactivity on HIS TRULY OUTSTANDING BLOG THAT NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN CAPITALS FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ITS GENIUS. But he's back (or Dave Pratt is - it's hard to tell) with a brilliant take on the Sundin saga. One read of this and we can all agree - we'd all be better off "watching Batman" (if you know what I mean) than checking out Pratt's DOMAIN OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

1967!

Jorn's Jottings 8: Jorn on this date

2008-08-17T18:53:41Z

Happy Belated Birthday

That's right. Cox Bloc (pictured above) celebrated its first birthday on August 12th. Godd Till and I had a quiet little get together on Tuesday, where we marveled at how our beloved little bastard had grown. Over cupcakes and apple juice we discussed all the great times we've had during the last year. Like that time we made fun of Steve Simmons. And that other time when we were critical of Howard Berger for a lazy and intellectually dishonest column. And who can forget that time when we gave a sports reporter a mocking nickname based on one of their particular foibles. Oh, the good times we've had.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has helped Cox Bloc get through this difficult first year. It has been a blast.

Birds of a Feather

Imagine how shitty I felt this morning when, less than a day after publishing my thoughts on Canada's starving Olympic athletes, I opened the Toronto Sun and discovered that I share the same views as Michael Coren on the subject of government subsidies for amateur sport.

Of course, I managed to get through my rant with out settling some lame grudge against Stephen Lewis and Michele Landsberg by taking personal cheap-shots at their son, and I'm sure Mr. Coren and I have very different ideas on how our government should allocate our resources, but it is still kind of scary.

I mean, wouldn't you be worried if you shared the same beliefs on any subject with a man who advocated nuking Iran, equates homosexuals with pedophiles and nazis, and regularly uses his column to smear Muslims with paranoid and hateful attacks?

So..........

I take it all back. Our athletes are tragically underfunded and our government should be doing more to support them. Hell, we should all be doing more to support them. Why, just this morning I threw a handful of quarters at the neighbour's kid while he was trampolining in the backyard. Hopefully he remembers me when he owns the podium at the 2016 Olympics.

I suggested yesterday that the government may want to consider funding social housing before equestrian programs, but seriously, any money they save by not supporting amateur sport is going to get wasted on things like extravagant catering bills for high-level bureaucratic meetings and Tony Clement's salary before it ever gets distributed to this country's most needy.

If we're going to throw money away, we may as well give it to our best and brightest sword-fighters and boat-racers. Especially if its gonna piss Michael Coren off. Maybe that, combined with the picture below of gay muslims parading through the streets of New York, will be enough to make his shiny hate-filled head explode with rage. Here's hoping, anyway.

Unsatisfied

2008-08-16T16:20:30Z

So, it appears that our week-long national nightmare has come to an end and Canada has finally won a few medals at the Beijing Olympics. Now that Canada has proven its superiority in 48 kg women's wrestling, demonstrated its second-bestiness in pairs rowing, and covered itself in bronze in 55 kg women's wrestling, maybe some of the hand-wringing can come to an end.

I haven't actually heard a single person I know complain about Canada's performance at the Olympics, yet I keep hearing about this nationwide sense of disappointment. Where is all of this negativity coming from?

Al Strachan's landlady (and Globe and Mail columnist) Christie Blatchford gives us a hint:

But that said, if you haven't read it already, you will; if it's not in your newspaper this morning, odds are it will be soon.

As predictable as death and taxes, every Olympics features the traditional "Canada chokes" story.

Hmmm.

Could it be?

Mittenstringers!

We all know that the reporters and columnists who cover the local sporting clubs have an annoying habit of projecting their own feelings on to the fans, and then belittling the fans for said feelings. You know, "stupid Leafs fans think Leafs will win cup, aren't they stupid"...it's Berger-by-Numbers. Well, with so many of the same reporters off to China to cover the Olympics, it is no wonder that we are seeing the same sort of stories about the 200 metre breaststroke and doubles tennis.

I mean, a Mittenstringer is always ready to ask the tough questions, whether its of a multimillionaire defencemen who scored on his own net in overtime, or an unknown amateur athlete who struggled near-poverty for years only to lose their one-shot at Olympic glory because it just wasn't their day.

My Globe and Mail colleague Matthew Sekeres describes being at an event where a young Canadian athlete was asked why she'd failed, and reacted with "a look like her puppy had died." Dawn Walton of The Globe's Calgary bureau was at the fencing hall when Sherraine Schalm, who lost in her first round to a lower-ranked fencer, was asked how she felt and said, "You feel like you want to curl up and die ... You train so long, and I feel like I disappointed myself, my coach, my family, my country, everybody."

Egad. Not only have these athletes suffered great disappointment on the world-stage, they now have Steve Simmons and Rosie "Rickles" DiManno in their face asking them why they failed and if they know how disappointed everyone is back in Canada. That ain't no picnic.

Of course, this always brings us back to the tired old story about the lack of funding for our Olympic athletes. As C-Blatch puts it:

...if Canadians want lots of Olympic medals, they will have to pay for them. While funding for athletes in Canada has increased in recent years, it remains a fraction of what is spent by the nations reaping all the gold, silver and bronze here, and athletes in less popular or more obscure sports still often pay some, or nearly all, of their own expenses.

Well, I'm sorry, but there are thousands and thousands of people in this country who don't get their dreams funded by the Canadian taxpayer. Many actors, musicians, writers and artists struggle along without a lot of government support. Federal and Provincial governments have spent the last decade and a half slashing social services so that many people can't even achieve their dream of having a fucking roof over their heads and food in their bellies.

Most egregiously, Till and I have long dreamed of giving up our day jobs and dedicating ourselves full-time to Pub Lunch, our cover band that only plays songs by the lesser-lights of mid 90's BritPop: Menswear, Gene, Sleeper, Shed Seven and many other forgotten also-rans. Unfortunately, this seems to matter about as much as fencing and kayaking, and Pub Lunch stumbles along without funding.

Thanks for nothing, Canada.

Al Strachan, come on down!

2008-08-10T18:04:21Z

You may be surprised to learn that former Toronto Sun columnist and current Fox Sports contributor Al Strachan is one of the few reporters who have been given a free pass at the Cox Bloc. Unlike the others, who we don't pick on because they are generally very good at their jobs and entertaining (Brunt, Blair, uh, end of list), Strachan has mostly flown under the radar due to the personal wishes of Mr. Godd Till.

As far as I can tell, there are three reasons why Till instituted a No Al Bashing rule at this site:

1. Strachan was one of the few reporters, columnists and talking heads who gave the players side a fair shake during the lock-out. Unlike others who mimicked the fans' misguided disgust with "millionaire athletes going on strike," Strachan seemed to have a firm grasp of the actual labour issues involved in the lock out and wasn't afraid to stand up for the players in face of people like Bill Watters spitting bile and plain old spit. The fact that Strachan and Nick Kypreos were the only ones I can remember who took this approach is a very sad reflection on the state of sports journalism in Canada. Because those guys are terrible.

2. Till once met Strachan at a bar in Montreal, talked hockey for a bit, and bought big Al a shot. Note to Howard Berger: If you are sick of Till picking on you, just be nice to him for a few minutes.

3. Al Strachan spends his winters sleeping on Christie Blatchford's couch, which explains a lot. Anyone who is good with C-Blatch is good with Godd Till.

However, much like the production of Tahiti Treat, all good things must come to an end. Especially if, like Tahiti Treat and Al Strachan, those things are strangely coloured and really bad for you. After reading Al's recent attempted take-down of Brian Burke, Till noticed a cheap-shot at the expense of Felix Potvin and declared the Albargo finished.

Al is fair game. So...here we go.

I've noticed a few Leafs fans on the internets seem to be offended by the aforementioned Burke-bash, mostly because of a little dig at Canada's most beloved hockey team at the end of the column. I personally don't see why anyone would get their Doug Gilmour Underoos all in a bunch over this one. This isn't in the same league as Cox or Berger.

Well...actually...while Strachan's piece fails at even the most basic level of Leaf-fan-baiting so perfected by Cox and friends, it does resemble the usual Mittenstringer screed in that the author seems to be using his column to settle old scores rather than, you know, writing something interesting and thought-provoking about sports. Anyone who has seen Al on the Score or heard him on Hardcore Sports Radio lately knows that Al really really hates Brian Burke. Well, this column is basically a transcript of Al's recent TV and radio appearances.

I'm not going to give the content of this piece the usual Fisking because it doesn't really deserve the effort. Seriously, the crux of the piece is "take away Burke's Stanley Cup win and he hasn't really won anything." How do you even begin to bring logic into that conversation? What I'm really interested in is the genesis of this spat. What caused these megapowers to explode?

As far as I can tell, it started back in early 2001 when Strachan claimed that Burke, then GM of the Vancouver Canucks, was prepared to deal Brendan Morrison and Bryan Allen for Mike Peca. Hardly Hogan leaving Savage alone to get his ass kicked by Akeem and the Big Bossman, but Burke went off like a one man Cox Bloc anyway:

"The very fact that Al Strachan reported it, in my opinion, makes it extremely likely it has no factual basis what-so-ever. I deny it specifically and categorically. I have never discussed Brendan Morrison with Buffalo, I have never discussed Bryan Allen with Buffalo and I have not talked to Darcy Regier in three weeks. So I'm shocked that a respectable media outlet like Hockey Night in Canada would allow this garbage rumour-mongering to take place. I'm amazed that whoever produces that show would tolerate this."

As the recent and lengthy Brian Burke versus Kevin Lowe grudge match has shown, Burke doesn't really let these things go. A week later he was still royally pissed off:

Burke discounted the rumour, reported by the Toronto Sun's Al Strachan during HNIC's Satellite Hot Stove, saying that he had to phone both Morrison and Allen and assure them that they weren't leaving.

"The fact that Al Strachan reported this trade rumour by itself should make it suspect," Burke told the Globe and Mail. "His accuracy rate on rumours like this is non-existent.

"The fact that a respected media like Hockey Night In Canada would allow this type of garbage to be aired is ridiculous.

"I have never talked to the Buffalo Sabres about either of the players that were mentioned in that deal."

Is Burke really that naive? How could anyone be surprised by seeing this type of garbage on Hockey Night in Canada?

Anyway, three years later and Canada's version of Coronation Street was once again the setting for a classic Burkian beatdown on poor old Al Strachan. This one happened on February 28, 2004, after Strachan had claimed on the Satellite Hotstove that Burke was demanding $2 million per year in contract negotiations with the Vancouver Canucks. Here is a transcription of the fun bits from when Burke came on to respond:

BB: My objection, and the reason I asked to go on tonight is, a member of your Satellite Hotstove group, Al Strachan, just went on the air and said, as if it were factual, which he's pretty loose with generally, that I was asking for two million dollars a year. I don't care if other people in Canada think that's true. I want the fans here in British Columbia to know there's absolutely no truth to that whatsoever, and once again Al Strachan has cemented his relationship or his reputation with dishonesty.

RM: Well, you know Brian, that's not the first time I've heard that figure. Where's that come from?

BB: I have no idea. Why doesn't someone from Hockey Night in Canada call me and ask me if that figure is on the table? It's never been, it's not now.

RM: You're going to give us that figure?

BB: I can tell you it's not on the table. I can tell you this. I will put this bet on the line. I will publish, when this is all done, what is on the table right from Brian Burke as far as staying, and if there is a two in there anywhere I'll resign. If there's not, this guy gets off of Hockey Night in Canada like he should be anyway.

RM: Well, you'll have to take that one up with Joel Darling, but I will say I've heard that number. So wherever that came from, and as you know...

BB: Well, you know what Ron? You wouldn't have gone on the air and talked about the number.

RM: No

BB: You say you've heard the number. You would have had the professional sense to call me and ask about it. This guy is not professional.

(Snip. Boring bit about what the fans in Vancouver think.)

BB: I certainly wouldn't have come on this show to talk about my contract if someone on Hockey Night hadn't been irresponsible and deceitful about what's happened here. That's the only thing I care that people get right.

See, Brian just cares about getting things right.

Later, Strachan mocked Burke's playoff futility on a subsequent edition of the Hotstove. Burke responded by banning Strachan from the Canucks dressing room (much like how his successor, Dave Nonis, banned scoring forwards). More than four years later, and Strachan still hasn't let it go. His recent column manipulates a lot of facts, and ignores many others, in a seemingly never-ending quest to prove that Brian Burke ain't all that.

While all of this is kinda funny, it isn't journalism, and it isn't really becoming of a professional writer with a long career behind him. Why the "editors" at Fox News allowed this, I don't know. I mean, if you are only looking to settle grudges and take cheapshots at people from behind the safety a computer monitor, start a blog. Like we did.

On another note...

I just heard that Isaac Hayes died this afternoon. Very sad news. I had the opportunity to go see Hayes about a month ago at the Portland Blues Festival (pictured). He was a bit slow moving around the stage, but he still put on a fantastic show. Known more in recent years for Chocolate Salty Balls than Hot Buttered Soul, Hayes was the heart of Stax records in the late sixties and had his biggest hit a few years later with the Theme From Shaft. Hopefully he'll be remembered more for his incredible music than as a cartoon character (which, still, was also brilliant). RIP Isaac. Here are a few tunes to remember him by: Walk on By, By the Time I get to Phoenix, Theme from Shaft

On second thought...

2008-08-08T23:48:27Z

Back in January we crowned Damien Cox as the 2008 Mittenstringer of the Year. Cox, the namesake of this site, was a shoo-in for the inaugural award in 2007, but was pipped at the finish like by Steve Simmons, who turned in a stupid-on-steroids performance that couldn't be denied.

However, it took only 22 cold January days for us to determine that no one was topping the idiocy that Cox displayed in the waning days of Brylcreem Jr.'s maniacal reign at the helm of Canada's most beloved hockey team.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean who could ever top this? Well, the answer, my friend, is a blowhard radio news man with a bushy nose-neighbour and a commitment to justice for the proletariat.

Over the last few weeks there has been a groundswell of resentment and anger directed towards Working Class Howard. Message boards are filled with diatribes against our favourite mustachioed mittenstringer. There is a petition to have his blog removed from Eklund's Magical World of Make-Believe. Pension Plan Puppets ripped him forty-two new assholes on Friday. Varry Galk wrote a post for this site about Berger which has received three times as much traffic as anything we normally post.

Has something changed? Why, all of a sudden, has Howard become such a subject of scorn? We've been ripping on the man since we started this blog, and many others have tried to keep Howard honest in the past, but these last few weeks it seems like everyone hates Howie. Maybe everyone finally reached their breaking point with Howard's manipulation of the facts, incessant Leaf-fan bashing, and periodic bouts of bewildering weirdness when he uses his blog to list the arenas visited during his career or wage class warfare against millionaire athletes.

Or, maybe, Howard is taking so much criticism because he is the only one working this summer. While Simmons has spent the last few weeks trying to figure whatever happened to Randy Knorr, and Damien Cox is off wondering whether Rafa Nadal could beat Tiger Woods in a game of Golfennis, Working Class Howard has spewed out a steady stream of bullshit that seems to have made a lot of people very unhappy.

His recent column about Nikolai Kulemin, (in which Leafs fans are scorned as deluded cult members for daring to be excited about a promising rookie who just happened to be the Russian league and playoff MVP last year) is just the latest frightening jeremiad by a man who, at this rate, will be outside the ACC with a sandwich board by opening night. His evidence? Outdated scouting reports and a guys signature on a message board profile. Next week he will probably count the number of blue cars parked on a square block of Eglinton and conclude that Leafs Nation has decided Mark Bell is a lock for next year's Hart Trophy.

It's gotten to the point where the commenters on Eklund's Candyland are in open revolt against the longtime champion of the working man, starting a petition to have him removed as Leafs correspondent and boycotting his entries. It's truly ironic that a man who has long championed boycotting the Leafs has become the target of a boycott himself. Is it possible to boycott the monolithic Leafs, who dominate a market in which 90% of Leaf fans don't come within Kyle Wellwood's refrigerator of attending a game? No. But boycotting an online column? That's a lot more feasible.

So, this is where you come in Bloc Heads. We don't want to come off like Brett Favre or Mr. Terrence Funk, but we think we may have to un-retire the 2008 Mittenstringer of the Year Award. Is it fair to strip Damien of his award? This isn't to say that Damien's work isn't terrible, but is it is mind-numbingly terrible as Howard Berger's? Either way, Berger may be doing the most valuable service of all. Every article he writes seems to be turning more and more Leafs followers towards blogs like Down Goes Brown and PPP in search of intelligent Leaf coverage. Maybe he really does care about the fans. Leave your thoughts in the comments.

*****A Godd Till and Kim Jorn Joint*****

What, Mats Worthy?

2008-08-07T04:16:04Z

When I was a kid, back before cable, the Internet, and pain-in-the-ass blogs devoted to snarking on sportswriters in a juvenile fashion, there were very few outlets for a snot-nosed little nerd like me to huff back my sports fill. Basically, my primary outlets to interact with what was then the far-off and mysterious world of pro sports were baseball and hockey cards, newspapers, occasional network TV broadcasts, books, and the then-rare magazines devoted to the North American scene.

Of those magazines, three stood out like hoary old giants coming down the mountain with unimpeachable testimony: Sports Illustrated, the Sporting News, and the Hockey News. (I was also enamoured of Hockey Digest, especially their 'Who's Better?' feature where you could hash out earth-shattering debates like the superiority of Bernie Nicholls vs Jimmy Carson. Do they still run that?)

These magazines had stuff no one else did - great photography, quality writing, lengthy, in-depth features, coverage of all the clubs in the league, not just your local team, best of all, rows and rows of stats - stuff that made them indispensable. But as with so many warhorses of the print era, the coming of the Internet has not been kind. The things they specialized in are now commonplace - a flick of the mouse or remote and I can, instead of reading a 500-word notes column on the St. Louis Blues, watch them playing Chicago, read their beat writers in the Post-Dispatch, and follow the team through the eyes of an impassioned, knowledegable fan on a blog. Or hell, I can just stop reading about Jeff Woywitka's progress in Peoria and watch Mr Perfect take on the Hitman.

The last few years have shown the toll this new scenario has taken on the three. The Sporting News stopped publishing it's 80-year old annual guides, moved out of St. Louis, and recently launched an abominable web-paper which is uncopiable, guaranteeing that no bloggers will link to it. Sports Illustrated gives away all it's content for free online, and responds to the obvious question of why anyone would now pay $5 a week for the mag by giving away free subscriptions with a 12-pack of toilet paper.

The Hockey News has changed the look of its magazine inside and out, and dropped the price, if I remember correctly. But of the three, they might be making the most progress in adapting to the online world. Apparently, they have been following popular websites like Hockeybuzz and realized the best way to attract the all-important page views is to write nonsensical columns trolling Leafs fans. Like this one!

THN.com Top 10: Reasons why Mats Sundin isn't a Hall of Famer

by Brian Costello

31/07/2008 11:00:01 AM

Sundin is a consistent player, but here's why he isn't a Hall of Famer.

Some media outlets have referred to the indecisive Mats Sundin as an automatic Hall of Famer, regardless of what he decides to do with his hockey career.

So while Sundin dithers on what to do next season, here are 10 reasons why he won't make the Hall of Fame three years after his retirement. There might be 20 reasons why he will make the Hall some day, but some members of the selection committee will reject him for these flaws :

OH YEAH!!!!

10. Has never led his team to great heights.

Wow, I must have been WICKED high when I saw Sundin leading Team Sweden to the Olympic gold medal against the finest hockey talent in the world. You do know the it's HOCKEY Hall of Fame, right?

The rest of this article continues in this pointless vein, so I won't go point by point. Why should I bother, when Costello himself won't even put his own name on his argument, instead saying "this is what some writers will say but maybe not me when his time comes." Brian Costello, winner of this month's Cox Bloc Profile In Courage. I'll give you a couple more of the highlights:

3. Has never won an individual award.

Dude, he won the Mark Messier Memorial Lay's Potato Chips Goblet THIS YEAR!! Come on!

2. Has never won a Stanley Cup - or even made it to the final.

Wow, I guess Darryl Sittler, Brad Park, Borje Salming, Vladislav Tretiak, Tony Esposito, Jean Ratelle, Marcel Dionne, Michel Goulet, Peter Stastny, and about ninety other guys who never won the Cup are getting kicked out next year. Controversial. Also, did you know Mats Sundin is retired and his career is over? Costello has the SCOOP, Gz.

1. Has rarely played at a level where he's considered among the top few players at his position.

This, after he points out as a negative that Sundin has been a second team all-star twice, so actually he's been considered the second best centre in the league twice. He's also made the All-star team nine times (and would have been there again this year if he hadn't declined), and he wasn't the fourth line centre, believe me.

He has been loyal, durable, his production has been remarkably consistent, but he hasn't crossed the line between being a very, very good player and a truly exceptional player.

He might have an argument here, if that statement bore any resemblance to reality. Anyone who thinks the Hockey Hall of Fame is for only the 'truly exceptional' should take a look at Clark Gillies, Bernie Federko, Mike Gartner, and Glenn Anderson having a beer together at the next induction weekend. By any reasonable look at the HOF standard, Sundin walks it.

I would add stuff about Brian apparently having no idea to adjust for the fact that Mats played his entire prime in the Dead Puck era, but you get the point. With articles like this, I eagerly look forward to the Hockey News' next headline-grabbing move in the world of shinny journalism - the hiring of Howard Berger and Damien Cox as Editors-at-Large. Funny, I thought it was Mad Magazine who called their contributors "The Usual Gang Of Idiots".....

The Ugly Canadian

2008-08-01T19:15:26Z

Rosie DiManno, in Beijing to cover the Olympics, shows that she is able to insult the Chinese with the same ease and ignorance that she usually reserves for her readers' intelligence:

And then there's the food.

China seems unable to convince the world that its edibles, at least during the Games and most especially at the athletes' village, will be free of pathogens and substances that could trigger positive drug results, or just cardboard particles and dog meat.

Wow. I mean...wow.

Hopefully our athletes do a better job of representing us in Beijing than our reporters. The standard has already been set pretty low.

New Kid on the Bloc

2008-07-31T04:44:02Z

Editor's note: About a week ago, we offered Varry Galk the opportunity to write a post about a recent piece of nonsense by noted fashion critic Howard Berger. And then we didn't check the ol' Cox Bloc inbox for a week. Luckily Howard (like most other mittenstringers) writes basically the same column over and over again, and Varry's post is still very much relevant. So here, better late than never and in all of its well-researched glory, is Varry Galk's belated Cox Bloc debut.

The last Howard Berger column Varry Galk will ever read is, in many ways, unremarkable as far as Berger columns go: illogically structured and lazily reported.

In an article titled "Leafs, Kings Bear Many Similarities," Berger of course proceeds to instead list a host of differences -- Kings actually have young talent, Leaf fans are moronic sheep, only the Kings are motivated to turn their franchise around. Boring stuff, although I did chuckle when Berger wrote that while the Kings have been characterized by failure and turnover, they deserve a pass because, unlike the Leafs, they are an expansion team...a 1967 expansion team. (Perhaps by 2073 the Kings can finally shed that "expansion" label).

His unrelated Part Two is somewhat more interesting. Feel Howie's smugness through your screen as he breathlessly reports the following:

Is it possible that the folks in charge of Hockey Night In Canada are finally souring on the Maple Leafs? How else can one explain the Blue & White being idle on three Saturdays during the 2008-09 season?[...]Is this an indication that CBC executives fear a decrease in the number of Leaf watchers? Or, are they merely embarrassed by their insistence to put the Leafs on national TV in recent years, no matter how dreadful the team?

Whatever the case, CBC decision-makers are banking on a trio of marquee match-ups in the Leafs' absence. On Dec. 13th, the early national telecast will be Washington [and Alex Ovechkin] at Montreal. On Dec. 27th, it will be Montreal at Pittsburgh [Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin et al]. And, on Jan. 17th, Leaf fans will watch in envy as the Canadiens and Senators take the national stage at Scotiabank Place. This long-overdue shift in philosophy by HNIC is somewhat risky, given the Leafs' large, unconditional following. But, it's a decision that will be met with overwhelming approval by hockey fans in other parts of the country that are tired of being force-fed a lousy Toronto product each week.

So the CBC's righteous decision to pointedly humiliate Leaf fans by airing the Habs instead of the Leafs on three Saturdays is "long-overdue." Certainly, Howie's historically minded limo driver would agree.

Never mind that, as Kim pointed out so well, the Leafs have enjoyed much more success than the Habs since Montreal last won the Cup. Never mind that the Leafs have played the Senators in four separate playoff series this decade and won each one. Never mind that the Leafs defeated the Habs to pass them in the standings on the last day of the season way back...in 2007.

And never mind that Howie predicted the 2007-08 Montreal Canadiens - who, by this logic, should have been on HNIC last season rather than the "force-fed" Leafs - to finish in 14th place in the Eastern Conference. This oopsie has not prevented Berger from recently bragging about how easy it is for him to predict in July how teams will fare, based on their post-free agency roster.

No, the real problem with Berger's analysis of CBC's "shift in philosophy" is...there hasn't been one.

In about 2 seconds of online research, anyone can learn that TSN paid a record $200 million to obtain, among other things, the rights to 17 national Leafs telecasts. When you also consider Leafs TV and regional Sportsnet games, this only leaves 23 available games for HNIC to telecast. And there will thus be precisely 23 regular season Leafs games on HNIC for each of the next six years, even if the Leafs win the next six Cups. The centrepiece in the TSN negotiations was their ability to broadcast more Leafs games not just regionally, but nationally. Starting this season, the rest of Canada is getting more Leafs. Not less.

(As an aside, the Habs are off HNIC for three Saturdays as well, also thanks to the TSN deal. I'm sure Montreal fans will stay home those days and "watch in envy." I'm also sure Berger does not yet know this fact.)

Anyway, Berger has misinterpreted facts before when they dovetail with his various axes to grind (see Avery, Brunnstrom, or anything that gives him a forum to bash the Leafs). So why was this the last Berger article I will ever read?

For me, it's because of the cumulative effect of statements like these, all of which appear in Berger's latest:

Leaf fans can easily be sold a bill of goods, which allows for false optimism on an annual basis.

In Toronto, it appears that a hint of reality has overcome the Leafs' undying flock of supporters, though it's nothing that a two-game win streak won't cure.

The ability to reverse a losing environment is far more critical in [Los Angeles] than in Toronto, where fans of the Blue & White are limitless in their anticipation and reverence.

And so on. Other teams have fans that want their team to do well. In contrast, and as Berger points out, over and over and over again, the Leafs have "delusional" "zealots" who need not only to acknowledge, but to truly internalize, the belief that the team has been a disgrace to the sport since 1967. Hell, he even called us all assholes for taking an interest in the Leafs when children are dying of cancer at SickKids.

But it's not just the failure of our hearts and minds that rankles Howie. The current plight of the team is also our fault. To wit (from his July 14 column):

You have no power to influence the people that actually make decisions about the Leafs, for you continue to not only accept a bad team, but to thoroughly embrace it in ways that gorge the bottom line. Every jersey you buy; every ticket that is printed; every time you turn on the TV to watch the Leafs play, is another endorsement of the product - no matter how inept it is, or to what degree it torments you.

Let's set aside the huge issue of whether the average Leaf fan gets to buy any of these aforementioned tickets (Kim has already addressed this admirably on Cox Bloc). My first point is to point out that, analytically, his statement reads like the following:

Your mother is fat. You continue to not only accept your mother's weight problem, but to thoroughly embrace it. Every time you call, every time you visit her on Thanksgiving and every Mother's Day card you buy is another endorsement of her body shape, no matter how obese she becomes.

There are three obvious responses:

   1. It is no such endorsement, and you know it;
   2. Fuck you for even talking about this; and
   3. What exactly am I supposed to do, other than treat my mother like my mother?

Point (3) is the real rub. What does Berger propose that we do differently? Careen back and forth between the Ducks and Red Wings bandwagons? Self-flagellate? Ignore hockey altogether until the Leafs are ahead in the third period of a Cup-clinching game, since obviously 100-point seasons and deep playoff runs are more appropriately lumped into the "failure" pile?

There are so many other problems with this vendetta. There is not one iota of evidence that abandoning a team during bad times is both necessary and sufficient to spur a return to glory (see Blackhawks, Islanders, Blue Jays, etc.) - in fact, it's more likely to cause management to try and make do on the cheap. There's also the concept that maybe, rather than failing to try to build a strong hockey franchise, it's that MLSE just isn't very good at it. Personally, I don't see how it helps the bottom line to spend to the cap on bad players and miss the playoffs rather than spend to the cap on good players and enjoy a profitable playoff run.

But more importantly, why on earth should Working Class Howard use up 90% of his bandwidth by laying into average Toronto fans? Cox may lie and mislead, but at least he attacks players and management - you know, people actually relevant to whether the team succeeds or fails. Exactly what difference does it make when Joey and his buddies in a sports bar in Woodbridge high-five after a Leaf win, while all the tickets they couldn't possibly afford were sold to wealthy and/or corporate season ticket-holders? Did Joey insert no-movement clauses and trade Rask for Raycroft while we weren't looking?

In fact, let me flip the script on Berger's "cancer should put the Leafs in perspective" nonsense. Some journalists put themselves in harm's way to alert the world to genocide. Others try to shed light on injustices or social trends. Howard Berger has chosen instead to make it his journalist's mission to take a bad hockey team and look beyond its players, decision-makers and even its paying corporate customers to attack average, working-class residents of the city in which it plays and remind them that their home team has not won a championship in a disproportionately long time. Period. Cheering a victory or even tuning in on television are not just ignorant but counterproductive in his world, unless and until the Leafs build the sure-thing bandwagon a discerning fan should jump back on. (I bet Berger owns a pink Red Sox cap.)

And he won't rest until every man, woman and child - even those ever-important cancer-stricken children at SickKids who love the Leafs because of frequent visits by the likes of Kaberle and Stajan - know how to pronounce the word "delusional." Hell, even Cox finds it annoying when he rocks out to the Eagles only to have a tut-tutting columnist remind him of their recent mediocrity and, by extension, his own supposed futility.

What an utterly worthless pursuit, Howard. I neither need to nor want to read you, and so I simply won't. Go Leafs.

Cox Bloc Joins Liberal Media Elite, Officially Part of the Problem

2008-07-30T04:05:21Z

Well, we've given Working Class Howard a lot of grief round these parts, but today we have to salute the man for strapping us (along with some other blog making fun of the mittenstringers - our lawyers are on high alert and willing to go to any lengths to defend this unique blogging concept we stole from Fire Joe Morgan) to his back and carrying us to the tip, the top, the New York Times, the paper every right-thinking American knows is second to none at selling out the troops, keeping the white man down, and forcing traditional preachers to marry God-hating sodomites in front of the young uns at a family barbecue. We couldn't be prouder.

So in gratitude, I would like to point out that the above-mentioned NYT article is a little hard on Howard, using the fact that his article on third jerseys leads with with a discussion of the Leafs (you know, the beat he is paid to cover pretty much exclusively) to make a bunch of jokes about Leafs/Toronto self-absorption that were pretty hilarious in 1983. Gee Gray Lady, I'm sorry Howard didn't give equal time to the teal, mauve, and desert ochre jerseys with the Hypercolour reflective stripes to be modeled by one of the 20-odd NHL clubs no hockey fan give a good god damn about. Certainly New Yorkers would never have such a parochial attitude. I guess all the pots and kettles in NY must be buried under new Yankee Stadium along with that Ortiz jersey.

I did love the rich irony of Howard ripping off the Leafs for NOT gouging their fans by introducing a new 3rd uni design, likely cause he had to scrap the MLSE VMPIREZ RIP OFF SUKKOR LEAFS FAN SHP column he's had in the hopper for months. He is always thinking of ways to make his life easier though, suggesting the Leafs wear a '67 model jersey, cause apparently something significant happened that year and then didn't happen for a while and baby Jesus cried and Dairy Queen ran out of Skor bits. Imagine the premade column leads if they did that.You gotta love a guy for trying...

While on Hockeybuzz, I managed to catch something else Howard wrote recently about this being a godawful season ahead with nothing to look forward to, and it put me in mind of the ballgame I watched Saturday night. Giants-Dbacks is no one's idea of a marquee matchup, but with Arizona pitting ace Brandon Webb against Giants phenom 12-year-old Tim Lincecum, it was worth a look. And am I glad I watched - both had their good stuff going, especially Lincecum, striking out 13 in 7 innings with a moving fastball, solid hammer, and ridiculous changeup. The Giants fans were going mental, all thoughts of Barry Bonds gone as they rocked along on a summer night with Tiny Tim and his elbows and knees motion. It didn't matter that the Giants are an incompetent franchise running out a 41 year old shortstop, Rich Aurilia in the cleanup spot some nights, and starting a guy at third who got released by the freaking Pirates. They have Tim Lincecum, and he is phenomenal, and Saturday night I doubt they would have traded places with any other fans in baseball.

Fans love "their guys," the guys who came up through the system, the guys they have watched develop, struggle, and break through. It may be an illusion that these guys belong to us more, but it a necessary tonic to the grim reality that we are all ultimately cheering for laundry. I have two Tigers t-shirts - Granderson and Verlander. I could have bought a Miguel Cabrera one outside Safeco last month, but he's not one of "my guys." Not yet. I bought Verlander instead, remembering how excited I was he fell to Detroit in the 2005 draft, then marvelling through his poised rookie season thal lasted all the way to the World Series, and that unforgettable no-hitter last spring, the first Tigers no-no I'd ever seen. We go back a ways.

As long as I have been a Leafs fan, there have been precious few of those guys, and fewer still I followed from draft pick to rookie to star - Potvin, Kaberle, who else really? Antro? This year, no matter what the results on the ice, I will be fascinated watching the progress of Tlusty, Stralman, Kulemin, Pogge, Steen, Stajan, Schenn, hopeful that the Leafs have started to ice a team not built on veteran mercenaries who didn't really want to be here, or who you could never totally embrace (hello, Shayne Corson) but on a group of young guys who will grow together, jell together, thrill us as we see them take next steps, figure out defences, back each other up in a war against Philly or come together to surprise Detroit or Pittsburgh, to learn to hate Montreal and Ottawa as much as we do. A team that belongs to us. Whatever Howard says, I think it will be a hell of a ride.

And it sure beats the hell out of cheering for O'Neill, Lindros and Allison, no matter what the jerseys look like.

Mike Check

2008-07-23T02:22:01Z

Is this thing still on?

A revelatory insight into the Silver Fox's endgame in the Jeff Finger negotiations can be found here.

A little (is two months a little?) belated, but farewell to former Raptors voice and longtime Marty York nemesis Chuck Swirsky. No matter who he's replaced with, we doubt they'll ever rise to the level of Chuck's cultural importance.

And why contribute to PPP or Bitter's "How I became a fan" series when I can use the same idea to pad out my own posts? (Come on, you didn't think we learned anything from the mittenstringers?) I will post more on my Leafs fandom in the coming weeks, but wearing the blue and white of failed glory and glorious failure wasn't a foregone conclusion (although I am a lifelong Scotland football supporter). Though I picked my baseball team early, I decided as a child to go with the team whose game I got to go to first. After a flirtation with the Montreal Antichrists, my dad won seats at Maple Leaf Gardens sometime in 91 or 92, where if my dodgy childhood memory serves, the Leafs overcame two goals by Mats Sundin and the Nords to win 3-2 in OT. And it was sealed.

Good thing I wasn't born ten years later - I'd probably have only been able to attend a Senators game. In which case.... I'd still be a Leafs fan! Try the veal, proceed to the comments - and maybe let us know what your first game was like.

I Can't Believe 'Smell You Later' Replaced 'Goodbye'

2008-07-17T00:56:21Z

Dear Damien, Steve, Working Class Howard, Richard, David, Marty, Darren, Toth, Rosie, and whoever else:

We need to talk. When this all started a year ago, it was fun, fresh, and exciting. We'd observed you from afar from so long that it was a real thrill to wake up every morning to read whatever nonsense you'd leaked all over the paper, knowing that that very night we'd be typing away in our Leafs jammies while Mom called us upstairs before our Boyardee got cold - ripping you on the Internet. The Internet! Where the real nerds write and everything!

But now things have gotten stale, and we think it's time to move on. Don't get me wrong, we've had some great times. Steve, we can remember staying up all night trying to explain to you how ERA worked (that scrunched up look of confusion on your face was adorable!). Damien, we spent hours glaring at the back of your head while we dissected your latest screed. And Howard - we'll always have that unforgettable limo ride in Montreal.

You might have noticed we've been a little distant lately. We want you to know that it's not us. It's you. We've changed, tried to improve our writing, mix up our wrestling references, anything to hide the fact that every week you write the same goddamn nonsense. This week, Howard, when you blamed Leafs fans for the state of the franchise and managed to contradict yourself all over the yard, we saw the call go up: "Where's Cox Bloc?" Well, to paraphrase Eric Bischoff, Kim and Godd ain't walking through that door anymore.

Don't worry, there's others out there that still care about you. Recently Bitter Leaf and Down Goes Brown have done an outstanding job lambasting your foibles and pointing out what you can do better (for more on that, call your buddy Lance). Maybe, deep down, they still think you can change. We don't.

Right now you're probably thinking, what about our child? Cox Bloc, the bitter, twisted spawn of your bad journalism and our splenetic rage? Well, first of all, we get full custody. Kim and I are still going to be writing here - probably a lot more regularly now that we're switching our gimmick. We're still going to write about the Leafs a lot, and hopefully will retain our good standing as fully paid up members of the Barilkosphere (well, we owe PPP ten bucks still. Sorry!). Hell, we'll probably even rip you every once in a while, for old times sake. But we want the freedom to write about whatever we feel like - Leafs, rock n roll, work, politics, Canada, baseball, George the Animal Steele, Brand Power, who knows. For our sanity, we've gotta start doing something else.

To the Blocheads - Varry Galk, Junior, Pob, Paul D, Dick, Bim, bk, Pike, Firko, Bllan, Marty York, eyebleaf, and anyone I may have missed - thank you. Your comments and criticisms (yo stoeten!) have been the most rewarding part of doing this, and we both really hope you'll continue to stop by here as we stumble blindly towards a new blogging day. Suggestions, feedback, ideas for what you want to see, and requests for Freebird? Proceed to the comments.

And to the mittenstringers, one more song for the road.

Separated at Birth?

2008-06-24T00:00:49Z

This is Sports Illustrated's Allan Muir:

And this is Toronto Star columnist Damien Cox:

Notice the resemblance? No? How about after reading this:

While every other club was loading up on skill in the first round, the Leafs gave up a pair of valuable assets (a second- and third-rounder) to move up two spots in the first to grab shutdown defenseman Luke Schenn. It was a bold move to be sure, and Schenn seems a good bet to be a stabilizing force on the Leafs' blueline for years, but a defensive-defenseman in the top five? That's the sort of talent you're supposed to pick up with those second- and third-rounders. When you get a chance to draft that high, you have to grab a difference-maker.

Do you know who else had Luke Schenn going in the top-five?

Everybody.

That's right. Every single pre-draft ranking I saw in the days leading up to the draft had Schenn going at or before five. Does this mean that everybody who believed Schenn was a top-five pick is a fucking idiot, or is it just the Leafs?

What's that?

Just the Leafs?

Thought so.

Anyway, get my drift? This is like Cox-by-numbers.

Among the six other players selected by Toronto was Mikhail Stefanovich (98). The Belorussian scored 32 goals in the Quebec League, but left scouts wondering if he has the passion to succeed at the next level. It could turn out to be a high value pick if he gets his head right with the puck, but Stefanovich has bust written all over him.

Holy mother of god. Do you know how stupid this is? Since when are kids drafted in the third round labeled as busts? And, two days after the draft at that? What the...

Seriously, has anyone ever seen Allan Muir and Damien Cox in the same room together?

Some Men You Just Can't Reach

2008-06-23T19:27:42Z

It might have taken him an extra day, but Cox wasn't going to fly off for his strawberries and cream before leaving a big turd in the Maple Leafs punchbowl. I don't want to get too bogged down in everyday drivel like how Damien conveniently forgot the Anaheim Ducks (you know, the team he spent the first half of the season writing mash notes to) won the Cup a year ago with a big nasty lineup, or that he thinks Cologne is in North America now. I want to focus on his definition of skill. Because here's the new party line, all ready to be repeated by DC and his ilk regularly over the next few years: Luke Schenn isn't talented enough.

"Skill," he'd say, just as he's said it many times before.

Nine teams followed that mantra when it came to making selections with the top 10 picks of the NHL entry draft on Friday night.

One did not.

That team would be your Maple Leafs. While other clubs went for mobile, puck-moving blueliners, slick pivots or speed merchants, the Leafs aggressively moved up in the draft from the seventh to fifth slot to snag Luke Schenn, regarded as a stay-at-home, shut down style defenceman.

Schenn's an excellent prospect, and likely to be a solid player in the league for years to come. If not the Leafs, somebody was going to take him with one of the top six picks.

But nobody would describe him as the next Scott Niedermayer, not even Leaf GM Cliff Fletcher.

"If you're thinking of a guy who's going to go end-to-end with the puck, it's not him," said Fletcher.

Bill James wrote an interesting piece on skill in the 1987 Baseball Abstract. He told a story of a Kansas basketball coach named Jack Hartman, whose teams won tons of games without necessarily looking flashy or impressive. For years, sportswriters complimented Hartman on winning games without much talent, until finally a frustrated Hartman barked "Look, what is talent? Talent is being where you are supposed to be and doing what you are supposed to do." James commented:

What he was saying, in essence, was that you may think that talent is being able to run fast and jump high and stop and start quickly, but I think talent is blocking out on the boards and cutting off the passing lanes and hitting your free throws. You recruit the guys that you think have talent, and I'll recruit the guys that I think have talent, and we'll see who wins.

So does Luke Schenn score highlight-reel breakaway goals? Does he make blind passes that land right on the tape of a streaking winger? Does he do this? No. Luke Schenn blocks out the boards and cuts off the passing lanes. Luke Schenn was rated the best defensive defencemen prospect in 20 years by McKeen's because he's smart, tough, the kind of guy that other forwards hate to face, who coaches change their game plan to avoid.

He's the type of player the Leafs haven't had since the days of Rouse and Lefebvre, who did the nasty work on a team that came closer than any to bringing a Cup back to Toronto; even the best teams of the Sundin era relied inordinately on good goaltending, with too many riverboat gamblers on the blueline and no lockdown guy to turn to when defending a lead (Yushkevich for a year or two, maybe). Isn't shutting down a Crosby or a Zetterberg a rare, valuable skill, especially now that hooking and holding are being legislated out of the game? Did high draft picks like Alex Daigle and Todd Warriner have talent and not guys like Scott Stevens or Adam Foote or Vladimir Konstantinov? No, Luke Schenn isn't going to be the guy setting off on end to end rushes. He's gonna be the guy who knocks that guy on his ass, makes a good first pass to clear the zone, and heads up ice with the Leaf attack. He looks pretty damn skilled to me.

Does Not Compute

2008-06-17T13:45:28Z

Reader Bim Jenning pointed out the other day that Damien Cox seems to have three templates for his columns:

The Leafs are about to do something:
"Richard Peddie, who rules the Leafs with an iron fist, is about to do something that will make the MLSE board a lot of money and will screw the team over irreparably, and the fans, being idiots, will lap it up like the dogs that they are."

The Leafs do something:
"Richard Peddie, who hates the Leafs and masturbates daily to a big photo of a pile of cash, did something really stupid today that will ensure that the Leafs will never, ever win a Cup ever and still the fans will applaud like the bunch of trained retarded seals that they are."

The Leafs do nothing:
"Richard Peddie needs to do something RIGHT NOW, which is why it's such a shame that he only cares about money and hates the Leafs and the Leafs' fans, who are too stupid to know when something needs to be done - if they did, they'd listen to me and hate the Leafs too."

Cut-n-paste sure is easy, eh Damien?

Pretty much covers the hockey side of things. However, there are those rare occasions when Damien veers outside of the Peddie-sphere to write a column comparing a golfer to a tennis player (as he does today), or spouting nonsense about baseball, as he did yesterday. The baseball nonsense included a rant about AJ Burnett in which Cox trashed the southern charmer based on his W-L record (the pitcher's version of RBIs) and reached a climax with this bizarre paragraph:

Ricciardi and Paul Godfrey probably really began to lose a handle on this thing in spring training of '07 when they out-and-out lied about B.J. Ryan's arm injury, and the faith of local baseball fans was tested more in the fall when Troy Glaus was pinpointed as, if not a steroid user, one who liked to order them in the mail. Rather than face the truth police again, the Jays just helped Glaus never answer the questions about his training regimen.

We ran this paragraph through the Cox Bloc's trusty computing machine (the FISKbot 3000) and it found more than 85,000 things wrong with it. Some highlights include:

1. Gregg Zaun says hi.

2. Does anyone believe that Ricciardi and Godfrey are making major moves based on helping players avoid questions about steroids?

3. Do they not have sports journalists in St. Louis?

4. Why does Cox always use the flimsiest evidence to support his slam-dunk arguments? There are a lot of reasons to criticize JP Ricciardi and Richard Peddie, yet Cox always goes on some bizarre tangent that allows nitpickers like me to pluck out one sentence from a piece and discredit the whole thing.

The FISKbot 3000's fourth point is really the one that gets me. Whether it is citing Conn Smythe's disapproval of Muhammad Ali fighting at Maple Leaf Gardens as an example of the Toronto Maple Leafs glory years, or suggesting that JP swapping one disgruntled and injury-prone third-baseman for another was actually a covert druggie-smuggling operation, Cox never misses a chance to get it all wrong. And for that, we salute him...because we can't fathom having to pick apart blog-posts about whether Tiger Woods is better than Roger Federer day after day.